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Date Fright – Part 4

Some stories have an unexpected epilogue.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Interior: party at friend’s house.

Friend: hello, hello, hello! Come in, come in, come in!
Me: oho. In triplicate eh?
Friend: so don’t be mad, but…Stoner is here.

Me: (lunge for door, unfortunately friend is standing in the way)
Me: $%#$%@!!!!
Friend: the only advantage to being pregnant. People don’t knock you down.
Me: please, please, please let me go. Please.

Friend: no, no, there’s someone else I want you to meet. So come on. Just avoid Stoner.
From behind us both.
Stoner: hello!
Friend and Me: $%#$%@!!!!

Stoner: hi.
Me:…hi. How are you?
Stoner: good, good, I’m Stoner.
Me: um….yes. Hi.

Stoner:…………..
Me:…………….
Stoner:…so what’s your name?
Friend:………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me:…we’ve…met. (gestures to idiot Friend) She set us up?

Stoner: who? You and me? Impossible. I’d never forget such a pretty face.
Me (stoically): well, mine IS purple right now so…
Friend (elbowing me): Stoner, you guys went out last month. You know?

Stoner leans debonairly on the wall: really? And what time in the morning did you leave?
Me: (bitch face. EXTREME bitch face)
Friend: oh, I…is someone calling me?
Me: move and you’re dead.

Stoner: can I get you a drink?
Me: no. are you stoned right now?
Stoner:…………..
Me: well?
Stoner: as a matter of fact no. I gave it up recently.
Friend and Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stoner: I’m a stand-up guy I swear. Let me tell you this funny story about how I fell off a bridge.
Me: dear God.
Stoner: yeah it’s a good one. You know, it’s so weird, but a lot of women have fallen in love with me after hearing this story. Hyuk hey can I tell you my favourite pick up line?

Friend and Me: no.
Stoner: “How do you stop your date droning on and on? Use your mouth baby hurr hurr!”
Friend and Me:…………………………..

Friend: I’m so sorry but she’s gotta go. She has this thing.
Me: I love you.
Stoner: already? But I haven’t told you the story yet.
Friend: shut it, Jekyll.
Me: so much love.

On the rocks

Fork tugged at his collar nervously. He had to make a good impression. The fate of his people depended on him. He made a mental note to be as polite and helpful as possible.

Cameron gazed at the assembled party. He hated these cocktail dos. Fights were common, and his only job today was to ensure that there wasn’t one. He pulled together the lapels of his furred dinner jacket and took a deep breath. It was going to be a long night.

“Flovely, fisn’t fit?” Cameron turned. The Gabalean High Commissioner, Fork Fouster, was standing behind him, fangs adding a unique touch to his speech.

“Yes, quite,” said Cameron. The entire hall was, in fact, quite lovely. Crystals glittered at every corner, huge bouquets of frozen flowers studded the hall, the frosted reds and greens adding a lovely touch to the first Intergalactic Ball of the year.

“Flet fme fintroduce fyou,” lisped the Commissioner. Groaning inwardly, Cameron tried to weasel out of immediate socialising. “I’ll catch up with you. Let me just go get some ice for my drink.”

Eagerly, Fork said “Foh, flet fme!” Turning to his right, Fork used his right paw to break off an icicle and crushed it, pouring the debris into Cameron’s drink.
Fork was not an expert in human behaviour at all and wondered if that greenish tinge in this one’s face was natural or makeup.

Cameron tried to fight the bile rising in his throat. One of the Ice Giants stood immobile in shock, his nose crushed and in Cameron’s drink. He wondered if Fork would be left alive at the end of the night.