#halloweenhorrornights #chatswithpeople #chatswithfamily #50 Nephew: look maasi, I'm #captainjacksparrow Me, sensing potential teachable moment: omg such a cutie you are! But pirates steal and lie and beat people ok so we don't want to be a pirate when it's not #halloween right? Nephew: look I have a gun so I can shoot you. Me: that would be very bad no cutie, won't you feel sad that your maasi is dead? Nephew: it's ok. I have two maasis anyway. Hands up! Clearly nephews aren't gentlemen either. #halloweencostume #halloweenmakeup #allhallowseve #31october #nephew #nephewlove #chatswithpeople #piratesofthecaribbean #pirates #aunts #wodehouse #jeevesandwooster
American: so what is the legal age of drinking in India? Me: 21 American: oh cool. So are you here to celebrate your 21st birthday? Me: er. No… I'm a bit older. Like over 30. American: NO! Shut UP! You look so young Me: aha ha. Brother: hahahahahahahahhaha please she's old. #humblebrag #rare #selfie #iwokeuplikethis #nomakeup #candid #younger #liar #21stbirthday #notreally #sorrynotsorry #lasvegas #sincity #whathappensinvegas #age #america #drank #drink #smug #usa #tourist #legalage #jailbait #not #chatswithpeople #chatswithstrangers #49
Overzealous Marketing Guy (OMG): hey, can we just see the layouts for the last time? So that we ensure they’re meeting the objectives of the awareness campaign?
Art Director (AD): these layouts? Which even amoebas think are simplistic?
AD: WRITER! Get in here!
OMG to writer: do we need the “the” in this sentence?
Writer (dumbfounded): um yeah, the only copy on this is ‘Watch the program’. So yes, its necessary. Else it would be “Watch program” and we’d sound stupid. It’s grammatically incorrect.
OMG: yeah, grammatically, yeah but advertising can take liberties right?
Writer is speechless; he hadn’t realised what was being done was ‘advertising’. Shakes head in dissent, mouth open.
OMG: okay. Do you think this looks alright at this angle?
Me: that’s the only angle the logo has, so…yes? Hey, AD, please put a full stop after the word ‘program’.
OMG: yes! A full stop! WOW! That just gives the whole thing this poetic finish! Fantastic!
Writer: mouth open.
AD: dude, whatever you’re on is good shit. Who’s your guy?
Creepy colleague (CC): you’ll totally drool over me now.
CC: you’re gonna be so turned on.
Me: (words fail me but vomit raises its hand)
CC: I painted something.
Me: (waiting. Surely there must be more. For me to be turned on by this fellow, he must have discovered the cure for cancer. And even that might not be enough.)
(Realising that’s it.) okay. What did you paint
CC:I made this cool, life-life painting of a lizard that almost leaps out at you.
Me: (words. Fail.)
CC: isn’t it AWESOME?
Me: (FINALLY!) yes. I’ve always admired self-portraits.
He: aren’t you turned on?
Me: yes. Very. In fact I should go be alone. In the bathroom. (Stagger away)
#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithsiblings #chatswithpeople #chatsaboutmarriage #46
On WhatsApp, 8 am
Sister from NY: omg #beyoncé is having twins
Me: I know the #beyhive is going nuts so sweet
Sister: so much lulz shall I call?
Me: what are you waiting for?
Me: hi daddy
Dad: ah yes. Hi ma. Are you busy?
Me: no, why?
Dad: who is this beyonce?
Me: it’s beyoncÉ father
Dad: okay. (aggrieved) That’s what I said no?
Me: …ok, go on?
Dad: see ma, even this beyonce has gotten married and having twins. Why can’t you both?
Dad: see, every time we discuss these things you and your sister laugh or cry.
Me: daddy, Beyoncé is a…singer. Like a pop star. (cross myself, may God have mercy on my soul for this blasphemy)
Dad: oh. I thought maybe she’s some college friend.
Me: who’s named BEYONCÉ?
Dad: maybe she’s Malayali?
Me: fair point. But no.
Dad: anyway, Beyonce is also married. Be like Beyonce no?
Me: believe you me, it’s a life goal.
Dad: what songs has this Beyonce done?
Me: All the single ladies.
Me: oh and also Crazy in Love.
Dad:….all this inflammatory English music only is why you people have no brains. Hmph!
Me: hahahahahahahaha omg I gotta call Sister now!
Creepy Colleague and me sitting in hearing distance of two women talking idiotically loudly.
Woman 1: …I mean really, if you can’t use your hands then just use your mouth.
Creepy Colleague’s face starts to light up in dirty, beaming smile.
Woman 2: Seriously. It took him so long! I was so tired of waiting! When he finally popped it, I nearly fell to my knees.
Creepy Colleague’s torso has now turned 180 degrees to see these women. BKS Iyengar would be ashamed.
Woman 1: God yeah. When will men learn? Jeez. And I was so thirsty too.
Creepy Colleague’s torso whips back – he stares at me in confusion.
Woman 2: SERIOUSLY! I still can’t believe it took him TEN minutes to open that Coke bottle. Pah. Why didn’t he just twist the cap off with his teeth? Idiot.
Two hours later, Creepy Colleague is still sulking.
Or New Year’s Conversations that should have never happened.
Her: hiiii! How was New Year’s?
Me: oh, just fine. (carefully avoiding asking about hers)
Her: mine was awesome! So much booze! Tried so many new drinks – Long Island Iced Tea, a Cosmo, a Sex On The Beach and then….a Screaming Orgasm!
Me (awkwardly): oh ok. Which club did you find the Screaming Orgasm in this city? Bartenders always apologise and say please choose another drink.
Her (genuinely surprised): it’s a drink?
The Office Pothead
Me: I didn’t say anything.
Me: hah. So I can guess what you did on New Year’s.
Pothead (surfacing): oh dude, I’m totally going to rock New Year’s eve tomorrow! So cool!
Me: er. New Year’s was yesterday.
Me: I said, New Year’s was yesterday.
Me: never mind.
NOT South East Asian. But referred to as such because every story, sometimes every sentence starts with “I was so drunk that…”
So-drunk: DUDE! Last night I was so drunk that when I woke up there was no water left in my body! It’d evaporated dude! You know, like alcohol! Hahaahahah
Me: er. Yes. Ha. Ha.
So-drunk: and DUDE! I was so drunk that my girlfriend thought I’d died! Hahahahaahah
Me: (agonised): Oh. That must have been…fun..
So-drunk: yeah but DUDE she was SO DRUNK TOOO! Haahahahahah!
Me(despondently): ha ha.