Tag Archives: chatswithpeople

The Song of Lunch

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithmeanoldladies #chatswithbats ? #beingfat #54

Last week
Me: HOW LONG is Granny aka Super Mean Old Lady with NO FILTER staying?
Mum: a week.
Me: that’s 6 days and 23 hours too long.

Day 4
Mum: only 3 more days.
Me (surly): how can you tell them apart? It feels like we’re in a time loop, with the same conversations every day.
Granny enters.

Mum: would you like some coffee or tea, Amma?
Granny: no, no, I’ll become fat.
Me (what does she mean “become”?): Mum, I’d like a second cup, please.
Bitch Granny: oho. Why? You’ll become fat.
Me What does she mean “become?”): I think I’ll risk it.

Mum: okay. Lunch is rice and gravy ok Amma?
Bitch Granny: yes, yes, no more. I’ll become fat.
Me (What does she mean…Fuck it. EVEN MY THOUGHTS ARE IN A LOOP)

Granny turns her beady little eyes on me: are you skipping lunch?
Me: what?? Never. I’m planning to eat seconds.
Granny (outraged): but you’ll become FAT!

Me: I am FAT! Too late!
Granny: yes! But skip lunch, and dinner, and breakfast and you’ll be THIN! Then you can get married!

Me: I’ll be dead too. Difficult to do a pooja when you’re dead.
Granny: Nonsense! No one dies of not eating anything. You just need to get thin enough so a boy will marry you.

Me: then you find this boy and make HIM skip lunch. After all, he gets to marry me.
Granny: no one wants to marry a fat girl.
Me: then no point skipping lunch anyway.

Granny: you’re so stubborn it’s hopeless.
Me: maybe that’s why I’m so tragically single? oh well. I’ll go eat lunch.
Granny, hitting her head: I don’t want to speak to you anymore.

Me: mum, mum, I WON! It only took like 35 years!
Mum: I still haven’t won; it’s been 37.
Me: eat lunch. Maybe that’ll help.

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Cussing with mother

#chatswithparents #chatswithmum #profanity #howpeoplespeak #53

flip-the-bird-1606881_960_720.jpg

Mum and I are watching The Marvelous Mrs Maisel.
Character 1: …fucking fucks.
Character 2: fucking..fuck…fuck.
Me: delighted grin and recognition (my people!)

Mum: appah, these people swear so much. I don’t know anyone who swears this much.
Me: um….
Mum: no, seriously, I don’t think ANYONE swears this much. It’s incredibly vulgar.
Me: hmmm (fuck)

Mum: do you know anyone who swears like this?
Me: (fuck) I know a…friend, yes. My friend swears a lot.
Mum (outraged): who is this friend? Does she know it’s impolite?
Me: …ummm sort of. She doesn’t do it to everyone. Or at least, not at first meeting. She’s famous for it, really.

Mum: is she married?
Me: (fuck!) no.
Mum: is she working in an office somewhere?
Me: (Fuck!) no.
Mum: is she thin?
Me: (FUCK!) no.

Mum: hmph. No wonder. She must be doing it for the attention.
Me: ????? NO mum that’s not why I-mmyyyy friend does it at all. I think she just likes it. It’s sort of an outlet for when things don’t go her way or people fu-fool around with her. Ahem.
Mum: chee. Whatever.
Me: (fu-phew).

Chasing money

#Chatswithpeople
#52

Tring tring.
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna.
Me:……………(NO. WHAT? NO.)
Interviewer: hello?
Me: yes, hi! Is this Interviewer?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes.
Me: (I DIDN’T MISHEAR IT OMG WTF DO I DO NOW?) um. Hi. I’m calling about the opening for Creative Head?

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes. How are you?
Me: (oh, that’s actually nice.) Fine, thank you. How are you?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Very well. Life has been kind. Krishna has been merciful.
Me: (IT WAS A FUCKING TRAP. HOLY JEBUS.)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, so tell me about yourself.
Me: (I’m the unluckiest person in this world right now) (I unreel bio)

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, very good. Tell me.
Me: yes?
Interviewer: Are you a great writer? Jai Shri Krishna. Because we need GREAT writers.
Me: well, that would be for others to say right? I mean…isn’t it subjective?
Interviewer: I don’t understand.
Me: I mean, you know, great writing or any sort of art is defined by the audience or people viewing it rather than creating it…?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: (giving up) I wouldn’t say great (also because then you’d bring it up in EVERY appraisal saying but you told us you were a great writer) but I’m very good.

Interviewer: But you see, we want GREAT writers. Like amazing. Simply wow.
Me:…………………………………………………………………(many words that cannot be printed)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Are you there?
Me: ahem. Yes. Hi. So um…
Interviewer: We are also a ruthless team. The sales is ruthless, the other writers are ruthless and the marketing is ruthless. Even our office staff are ruthless.
Me: um.
Interviewer: And they are all GREAT. Like, the office staff is GREAT at making coffee, yes. Jai Shree Krishna.
Me:…..Jai Shree Krishna (FUCK WHY AM I SAYING IT NOW?) okay. I’m not sure how to take this forward.

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Also, how old are you?
Me: I’m 35.
Interviewer: HOMYGORD. That old? You are extremely experienced.
Me: (that’s what he said—no wait this isn’t the time!) Um. I thought you were looking for a Creative Head?

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes but you’d have to report to me. Are you okay reporting to a younger person?
Me: (younger person yes. you, I’m not sure.) sure? Could we discuss salary?
Interviewer: yes, we will pay 8 peanuts.
Me: right. So there’s one thing about your organization that isn’t GREAT, then.

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna? Oh also, it depends on how many awards you win.
Me: (I’m going to kill that recruiter. Fricking dismember. Twist arms and legs off. Bloody well-)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, GREAT chat. But I have a meeting now so can we chat tomorrow again?

Me: (over the recruiter’s dead effing body) Of course. Go forth and be ruthless.
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: I mean, goodbye. And Jesus is great.
Me: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: (hung up)

So you write things down?

#Chatswithpeople #chatswithclients #chatswithparents #chatsinadvertising
#51

Tring tring.
Prospective Client (PC): hello?
Me:…yes, hi. I’m Hapless Poor Writer and I was given your number in reference to Undefined Freelance Work That You Will Change the Brief of At Least Twice But Fuck I’m Poor and Desperate.

PC: oh yeah yeah. We’ve actually changed the scope of that work.
Me: of course. right…so now it’s…?
PC: undefined Freelance Jelly That Might Become Custard or Pudding But Will Definitely Turn Your Brains Into Jelly

Me: (sigh) brilliant. So how do we take this forward?
PC: why don’t you send us an initial proposal?

Me: sure…so I was thinking we could do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas. Does that work for you?
PC: that sounds great and bang on brief.
Me: okay, so I’ll mail you that then.

A day later.

PC: hey hi, so your proposal doesn’t work for us…can you re-do?
Me: sure, could we please quickly discuss the parts that don’t work?
PC: all of them.

Me:…o-kay. (BUT YOU SAID IT WAS BANG ON BRIEF BITCH WTF WAS THAT THEN) So what direction would you like me to work in?
PC: to make our brand famous.
Me:…right, perhaps we could narrow that down.
PC: to make our brand really famous.
Me: (through gritted teeth) certainly. and what should people do after your brand is very famous?
PC: Buy it.

Me:….sure. But we might not be able to structure all social media communication all the time around that…or that directly even…so what would you say is the campaign goal?
PC:…
Me: awareness? Product features? Likeability? Likes?
PC:…let me check with my team get back to you.
Me: right, sure.

A day later.
PC: hi so we want to do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas.
Me:….yes, I believe that was my plan too…

PC: no, this is different from your plan.
Me:…….
PC: my team feels that your plan was lacking in focus and wouldn’t make us famous. But this one will. Your plan is Jelly, but this plan is Custard.
Me: okay. (I need money. I need money. I need money.) so if Custard is the goal, then would you like to explore Fruit Toppings and Ice Cream?
PC: yes.
Me: ok. (I AM GONNA DOUBLE THE COST. TRIPLE. QUADR-)
PC: also…
Me: yes?
PC: could you give us an option for Jelly? It might help to explore our options.

Tring tring.
Dad: hello ma?
Me: MY LIFE IS YOUR FAULT.
Dad: ah? What happened ma?
Me: WHY DID YOU HAVE THREE KIDS? WHY NOT JUST STOP AT ONE AND GIVE HER A RETIREMENT FUND? OR A HELICOPTER?
Dad: um…I don’t think that exchange scheme was available when your siblings were born.
Me: banging head against wall.

Boo

Sweet sixteen + nineteen

Half the marketing team is wasted…

#chatswithpeople #48
#chatswithcolleagues

Overzealous Marketing Guy (OMG): hey, can we just see the layouts for the last time? So that we ensure they’re meeting the objectives of the awareness campaign?
Art Director (AD): these layouts? Which even amoebas think are simplistic?
OMG: yus.
AD: WRITER! Get in here!

OMG to writer: do we need the “the” in this sentence?
Writer (dumbfounded): um yeah, the only copy on this is ‘Watch the program’. So yes, its necessary. Else it would be “Watch program” and we’d sound stupid. It’s grammatically incorrect.

OMG: yeah, grammatically, yeah but advertising can take liberties right?
Writer is speechless; he hadn’t realised what was being done was ‘advertising’. Shakes head in dissent, mouth open.

OMG: okay. Do you think this looks alright at this angle?
Me: that’s the only angle the logo has, so…yes? Hey, AD, please put a full stop after the word ‘program’.

OMG: yes! A full stop! WOW! That just gives the whole thing this poetic finish! Fantastic!
Writer: mouth open.
AD: dude, whatever you’re on is good shit. Who’s your guy?