#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithparents #27
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Father checks phone is working.
Father is pacing up and down.
Mother and father are pacing up and down.
Girl watches father check if phone is working by shaking it violently.
Girl and sister giggle helplessly.
After some confusion and breakage, Mother gets spare landline instrument with ginormous antenna out of the cupboard.
Boy: Um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl (nastily): He has two daughters. The 16-year-old is very pretty.
Girl’s sister squeals loudly and runs out of the living room.
Mother (hissing): idiot. What are you doing?
Father: (low growls)
Boy: (sticking to script) um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl: yes, yes, this is the daughter.
Boy: yes. So. Um. Your parents had contacted mine for the purpose of matrimonial alliance.
Boy: your parents had contacted-
Girl (hastily): yes, yes. Okay. Yes. Hi.
Boy: so, they thought we should talk before going any further.
Girl: …oh-kay. Or anywhere really.
Boy: um. So do you have any questions for me?
Girl (caught off-guard): huh? Um. Sure. What do you do?
Boy: (takes deep breath) so I’m an engineer and I work for FirstWorld in their software department where I code all day and I live in Boondockstown I have been here for four years now and parents said I should get married and therefore this phone call.
Boy: Your father told my father that you are a writer?
Girl: I…work in advertising. I’m a copywriter. I write ads for brands in TV, radio etc.
Boy: that sounds very exciting. So glamourous.
Girl: um, it only sounds like it. Mostly it’s my boss ranting at me that he didn’t go to the gym.
Boy: my job is very boring. My boss is also very boring.
Girl:…I…am sorry? But, you live in California no? So at least you might be having a life outside work? Go to restaurants?
Boy: I never eat out.
Girl:…you…never eat out?
Boy: no. You don’t know what oil they’re using? What if it’s not vegetarian?
Girl: ah…Um…Okay. What about other…things? Movies?
Boy: yes, I saw one a few years ago.
Girl: …yes. Yes. Maybe you read?
Girl: yes?? Oh great, what do you like to read?
Boy: Sherlock Holmes.
Girl: …so do you drink?
Father swells up like frog. Mother clutches hair and makes throat slashing motions.
Boy: no no no no no no no no no no no! Shiva! No! (starts to sob) It was only once by mistake, I swear, at an office lunch. Motherswear!
Girl (delicately): yes. Well, this has been wonderful. It’s late so I have to go now.
Boy: (Sniff) okay. Good luck.
Girl (fervently): and to you.
Girl puts down phone.
Girl: No. Just. No.
Parents: But why? He’s such a nice boy!
Girl: sigh. No. Just. No.
Appa: okay, so anyway, fine. There is another boy from Bumsville…
Girl: is he an engineer?
Appa (astonished): how did you know??