Tag Archives: chatswithparents

So you write things down?

#Chatswithpeople #chatswithclients #chatswithparents #chatsinadvertising
#51

Tring tring.
Prospective Client (PC): hello?
Me:…yes, hi. I’m Hapless Poor Writer and I was given your number in reference to Undefined Freelance Work That You Will Change the Brief of At Least Twice But Fuck I’m Poor and Desperate.

PC: oh yeah yeah. We’ve actually changed the scope of that work.
Me: of course. right…so now it’s…?
PC: undefined Freelance Jelly That Might Become Custard or Pudding But Will Definitely Turn Your Brains Into Jelly

Me: (sigh) brilliant. So how do we take this forward?
PC: why don’t you send us an initial proposal?

Me: sure…so I was thinking we could do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas. Does that work for you?
PC: that sounds great and bang on brief.
Me: okay, so I’ll mail you that then.

A day later.

PC: hey hi, so your proposal doesn’t work for us…can you re-do?
Me: sure, could we please quickly discuss the parts that don’t work?
PC: all of them.

Me:…o-kay. (BUT YOU SAID IT WAS BANG ON BRIEF BITCH WTF WAS THAT THEN) So what direction would you like me to work in?
PC: to make our brand famous.
Me:…right, perhaps we could narrow that down.
PC: to make our brand really famous.
Me: (through gritted teeth) certainly. and what should people do after your brand is very famous?
PC: Buy it.

Me:….sure. But we might not be able to structure all social media communication all the time around that…or that directly even…so what would you say is the campaign goal?
PC:…
Me: awareness? Product features? Likeability? Likes?
PC:…let me check with my team get back to you.
Me: right, sure.

A day later.
PC: hi so we want to do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas.
Me:….yes, I believe that was my plan too…

PC: no, this is different from your plan.
Me:…….
PC: my team feels that your plan was lacking in focus and wouldn’t make us famous. But this one will. Your plan is Jelly, but this plan is Custard.
Me: okay. (I need money. I need money. I need money.) so if Custard is the goal, then would you like to explore Fruit Toppings and Ice Cream?
PC: yes.
Me: ok. (I AM GONNA DOUBLE THE COST. TRIPLE. QUADR-)
PC: also…
Me: yes?
PC: could you give us an option for Jelly? It might help to explore our options.

Tring tring.
Dad: hello ma?
Me: MY LIFE IS YOUR FAULT.
Dad: ah? What happened ma?
Me: WHY DID YOU HAVE THREE KIDS? WHY NOT JUST STOP AT ONE AND GIVE HER A RETIREMENT FUND? OR A HELICOPTER?
Dad: um…I don’t think that exchange scheme was available when your siblings were born.
Me: banging head against wall.

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I woke up like this

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithsiblings #chatswithpeople #chatsaboutmarriage #46

On WhatsApp, 8 am
Sister from NY: omg #beyoncé is having twins
Me: I know the #beyhive is going nuts so sweet
Sister: so much lulz shall I call?
Me: what are you waiting for?

9 am
Tring tring.
Me: hi daddy
Dad: ah yes. Hi ma. Are you busy?
Me: no, why?

Dad: who is this beyonce?
Me: beyoncÉ
Dad: what?
Me: it’s beyoncÉ father
Dad: okay. (aggrieved) That’s what I said no?
Me: …ok, go on?

Dad: see ma, even this beyonce has gotten married and having twins. Why can’t you both?
Me: hahahahahahahaahahahhah
Dad: see, every time we discuss these things you and your sister laugh or cry.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Dad: sigh.

Me: daddy, Beyoncé is a…singer. Like a pop star. (cross myself, may God have mercy on my soul for this blasphemy)
Dad: oh. I thought maybe she’s some college friend.

Me: who’s named BEYONCÉ?
Dad: maybe she’s Malayali?
Me: fair point. But no.
Dad: anyway, Beyonce is also married. Be like Beyonce no?
Me: believe you me, it’s a life goal.

Dad: what songs has this Beyonce done?
Me: All the single ladies.
Dad:…..
Me: oh and also Crazy in Love.
Dad:….all this inflammatory English music only is why you people have no brains. Hmph!
Me: hahahahahahahaha omg I gotta call Sister now!

Ides of Mother

#chatswithparents #chatswithmother #chatsaboutboys #chatsaboutmovies #throwbackfriday

Mum and I discuss going to see the movie, The Ides of March. I wanted to see it because tense thriller, yada yada and CLOONEY and GOSLING.
Mum was going because opportunity to order daughter around, eat popcorn and because I’d been whining about going alone and maybe get murdered by mysterious assailant.

An hour before we leave home, I suddenly think to check the movie’s certification. Given my family’s propensity to embarrassedly change channels when Disney characters are kissing, I thought it wise to just make sure politics was all we’d be seeing on-screen.

Blast and bugger it all.
Ides is A rated for language. And what I hoped were scenes involving Gosling or Clooney with their clothes off. But obviously Mother could not be taken to it now.
I bounced out to the living room where she was frowning censoriously at soap opera where a husband was patting his wife’s shoulder.

Me: okay, I think we should re-think. This movie is rated A.
Mom: oh. Not A-plus?
Me: mum, an A rating doesn’t refer to how good it is. It’s rated for Adults.
The Mother’s brow wrinkled.
Me: so there might some “scenes” and some bad language. And you’ll just get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. It will just ruin the mood.
Me: (baby Clooney and Gosling? I’m in the mo-wait yuck, this is my MOM.) yeah, so you’ll get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. Just my mood will be ruined.
Me: yeah, meaning you’ll not like it and be irritated.
Mom: you mean like you’re irritating me now?
Me: don’t you mean like I’m ruining your mood?
Mom: sulk.
Me: (no Gosling. no Clooney) is there any chocolate?

It’s my birthday. 

​#chatswithparents #chatswithpeople #32

Me: happy birthday Daddy! 
Dad: thank you ma!
Me: so watchu doing for happy birthday?
Dad: watching the blacklist latest season ma.
Me: okay then.
Dad: you don’t watch GoT or Narcos; can you at least watch blacklist?
Me: just…go and eat some cake ok?
This post’s alternate title was: Hurting Daddy’s Street Cred.

Mumteasing

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #31

Me: so what did you and Dad do today?
Mum: we went to see this electronics exhibition.
Me: oh really? What did you buy?
Mum: nothing. We just went to spend some time.
Me: (sly smile) like a date eh?
Mum: …what?
Me: you know, like a date. Like in Gilmore girls.
Mum: okay fine. Something like that.
Dad walks in.
Me: woo wooo daddy all romantic dates and all eh
Dad: what? What??
Me: you took mum out on a date and all. Woo woo.
Dad: no I didn’t.
Me: yes you did. You sat on the metro next to each other, had lunch at a restaurant, just wandered around the exhibition centre. That’s a romantic date.
Dad (completely embarrassed): there is NOTHING romantic about me going out with your mother.
Mum: what??? What does THAT mean?
Dad: I…..you…no so…wait my phone’s ringing. Bye.
Me: woo wooo mother.
Mum: shut up. We should have beat you more when you were younger.
Me: woo wooo.

The Phone Call.

#thephonecall #really
#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithparents #27

9 am
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Father checks phone is working.

9.05
Father is pacing up and down.

9.10
Mother and father are pacing up and down.

9.15
Girl watches father check if phone is working by shaking it violently.
Girl and sister giggle helplessly.

9.20
After some confusion and breakage, Mother gets spare landline instrument with ginormous antenna out of the cupboard.

9.30
Ring. Ring.
Girl: Hello?
Boy: Um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl (nastily): He has two daughters. The 16-year-old is very pretty.
Girl’s sister squeals loudly and runs out of the living room.
Mother (hissing): idiot. What are you doing?
Father: (low growls)

Boy: (sticking to script) um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl: yes, yes, this is the daughter.
Boy: yes. So. Um. Your parents had contacted mine for the purpose of matrimonial alliance.
Girl: what?
Boy: your parents had contacted-
Girl (hastily): yes, yes. Okay. Yes. Hi.

Boy: so, they thought we should talk before going any further.
Girl: …oh-kay. Or anywhere really.
Boy: um. So do you have any questions for me?

Girl (caught off-guard): huh? Um. Sure. What do you do?
Boy: (takes deep breath) so I’m an engineer and I work for FirstWorld in their software department where I code all day and I live in Boondockstown I have been here for four years now and parents said I should get married and therefore this phone call.

Girl: …oh.
Boy: Your father told my father that you are a writer?
Girl: I…work in advertising. I’m a copywriter. I write ads for brands in TV, radio etc.
Boy: that sounds very exciting. So glamourous.
Girl: um, it only sounds like it. Mostly it’s my boss ranting at me that he didn’t go to the gym.
Boy: my job is very boring. My boss is also very boring.

Girl:…I…am sorry? But, you live in California no? So at least you might be having a life outside work? Go to restaurants?
Boy: I never eat out.
Girl:…you…never eat out?
Boy: no. You don’t know what oil they’re using? What if it’s not vegetarian?

Girl: ah…Um…Okay. What about other…things? Movies?
Boy: yes, I saw one a few years ago.

Girl: …yes. Yes. Maybe you read?
Boy: yes.
Girl: yes?? Oh great, what do you like to read?
Boy: Sherlock Holmes.
Girl: ….
Boy: ….
Girl: ….and…?
Boy: Watson.
Girl: ……………………………………
Parents: ????

Girl: …so do you drink?
Father swells up like frog. Mother clutches hair and makes throat slashing motions.

Boy: no no no no no no no no no no no! Shiva! No! (starts to sob) It was only once by mistake, I swear, at an office lunch. Motherswear!
Girl (delicately): yes. Well, this has been wonderful. It’s late so I have to go now.
Boy: (Sniff) okay. Good luck.
Girl (fervently): and to you.

Girl puts down phone.
Girl: No. Just. No.
Parents: But why? He’s such a nice boy!
Girl: sigh. No. Just. No.

Appa: okay, so anyway, fine. There is another boy from Bumsville…
Girl: is he an engineer?
Appa (astonished): how did you know??

Hello, is it me you’re looking for…

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithboys #26
#thephonecall

Ring. Ring.
Girl: hello?
Guy: hi. This is Akash…our parents have been chatting?
Girl: um hi. Yes.

Guy: this is so weird isn’t it?
Girl (omg he’s human): yes it so is. Thank you, I’m so glad I’m not the only one weirded out.
Guy: I know right? At least Austen has dances and fans.

Girl (stunned): you read Austen?
Guy: is that weird? I-
Girl: no no it’s amazing. Most people don’t even read.

Guy: I can’t get to sleep without a book. I guess then you shouldn’t tell your parents I’m never alone in bed.
Girl (dying): (trying to be sexy giggle) well, you should know I’ve usually got Steven Tyler in the bedroom.

Guy: (laughs) can I tell you a secret?
Girl (breathless) (throatily): you can tell me anything.

Mom: wake up! Wake up child! GET UP for Krishna’s sake it’s already 9! Don’t blame me when you’re late for work.
Girl: what? What??? WHAT???

Mom: and don’t be late. That boy will be calling at 9 tomorrow so tell your office you’re coming late.

#SURPRISE #yesimhorrible #yesteasing
#klpd
#therealphonecall coming asap
#writersblock