Tag Archives: chatswithmyself

Date Fright – Part 4

Some stories have an unexpected epilogue.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Interior: party at friend’s house.

Friend: hello, hello, hello! Come in, come in, come in!
Me: oho. In triplicate eh?
Friend: so don’t be mad, but…Stoner is here.

Me: (lunge for door, unfortunately friend is standing in the way)
Me: $%#$%@!!!!
Friend: the only advantage to being pregnant. People don’t knock you down.
Me: please, please, please let me go. Please.

Friend: no, no, there’s someone else I want you to meet. So come on. Just avoid Stoner.
From behind us both.
Stoner: hello!
Friend and Me: $%#$%@!!!!

Stoner: hi.
Me:…hi. How are you?
Stoner: good, good, I’m Stoner.
Me: um….yes. Hi.

Stoner:…………..
Me:…………….
Stoner:…so what’s your name?
Friend:………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me:…we’ve…met. (gestures to idiot Friend) She set us up?

Stoner: who? You and me? Impossible. I’d never forget such a pretty face.
Me (stoically): well, mine IS purple right now so…
Friend (elbowing me): Stoner, you guys went out last month. You know?

Stoner leans debonairly on the wall: really? And what time in the morning did you leave?
Me: (bitch face. EXTREME bitch face)
Friend: oh, I…is someone calling me?
Me: move and you’re dead.

Stoner: can I get you a drink?
Me: no. are you stoned right now?
Stoner:…………..
Me: well?
Stoner: as a matter of fact no. I gave it up recently.
Friend and Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stoner: I’m a stand-up guy I swear. Let me tell you this funny story about how I fell off a bridge.
Me: dear God.
Stoner: yeah it’s a good one. You know, it’s so weird, but a lot of women have fallen in love with me after hearing this story. Hyuk hey can I tell you my favourite pick up line?

Friend and Me: no.
Stoner: “How do you stop your date droning on and on? Use your mouth baby hurr hurr!”
Friend and Me:…………………………..

Friend: I’m so sorry but she’s gotta go. She has this thing.
Me: I love you.
Stoner: already? But I haven’t told you the story yet.
Friend: shut it, Jekyll.
Me: so much love.

Hottie outside, idiot inside

#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #swoon #bae #justmiss #flirting #fail #38

Me: omg omg omg the car is stuck on a slope omg now what bloody thing just start.
Car: hack hack hack hack die.
Me: omg fine you’re my baby just start please pretty please please please please
Car:…………….(no.)

Me: omg (much internal shrieking)
Other cars and drivers: honk! Idiot! Honk! Stupid! Honk! LADY DRIVER! Honk!
Me: OMG. OMG. What to do now? Seppuku? Daddy? SHRIEEEEEK.

Tall, broad shouldered knight in shining armour comes into view, striding down slope towards car.
Me:…………………………(audible gulp)

Knight makes motions to roll down my window.
I roll down.
Knight smiles: hi!
Me:

Knight (smiles): Turn off your AC and sound system.
Me (breathily): because they’re so turned on?
Knight (slightly puzzled smile): Turn off your AC etc and try again.

Me: okay.
Car: hunka hunka hunka VROOOM BABY
Knight (dimples): See? Use the handbrake, start and accelerate, and only release handbrake when you want to move. Are you ready to move?
Me:

Later
Friend: AND THEN?
Me: and then I drove to work.
Friend: WHAT ABOUT TAKING HIS NUMBER OR HIS NAME OR HIS ADDRESS SO WE CAN GO STALK HIM OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I CAN’T EVEN IDIOT STUPID LADY DRIVER!
Me: hack hack hack hack die.

Coffee, tea or please bugger off

#chatswithmyself #chatswithpeople #18

Enter aircraft.
Stewardess named Ravina: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me (thinking while shoving bag and sitting down) – I should have become an air hostess. Fly off to exotic destinations.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – fine these ones are going to Bangalore but I’m sure but they go to fancy places. Like…Fiji! Or et cetera. Please. Wouldn’t it be so cool? Why didn’t I become an air hostess? Dammit.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – I could have flirted with pilots.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – and visited amazing places for free.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – and theoretically met hot rich business class travellers.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – dammit…..does she have to say that to EVERY passenger?

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – phak. Like every passenger?

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – If I had to greet 150 people every day….(I pause to consider the horror.)
In my head, my mother’s voice says – you don’t even greet us every day.
Me – mother please, not now.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – perhaps they’d have let me have a speaker with a taped message.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – dear God, she isn’t stopping. Holy repetitional hell Batman.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – and she has to smile too. Every time.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – okay. I made the right choice after all.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.
Me – you betcha. I feel your pain sister.

Ravina to passenger: Good evening welcome aboard.