#chatswithmorons #chatswithpeople #chatswithfriends
At dinner with friend (F) and friend’s friend (FF), who I’m meeting for the first time. After this ensuing conversation, came home and fumed over what I wished I’d said.
So here goes.
*What I wished I’d said in asterisks*
FF: I’m totally excited about the beef steak here. Have you ever had it LaFictionista?
Me: I’m vegetarian, so no.
FF: What? But why?
Me: Um. I like it? *Why is a raven like a writing desk?*
FF: You don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Really. *The freedom to eat what I want in peace?*
FF: I can’t understand why anyone would want to be vegetarian.
Me: (faint smile and reading menu) *There are more things in heaven and earth…*
Friend: Hehe let’s all just order what we like eh?
FF: Have you even tried non-veg food?
Me: Of course. *Yes. Half of all animal extinctions are my fault. Then I found Buddhism and gave it up. About the other half, I’d like to blame the French. Those bastards will eat anything.*
FF: And? You didn’t LIKE it?
Me: No. *I don’t LIKE beating people over the head but I’ll make an exception for you.*
FF: Come on. COME ON. That’s not even possible.
Me: (faint smile, perusing menu) *As Galileo said, ‘yougaiz, I’m serious.’*
FF: Have you tried chicken?
Me: Yes. *Are we going to go through each animal now?*
FF: Have you tried seafood?
Me: Yes. *Crap, looks like it.*
FF: Have you tried meat?
Me: Yes. *God. It’s Bangkok all over again.*
FF: Have you tried beef?
Me: Yes. *At this point even the Bangkok waitress gave up and just got me lettuce.*
FF (shaking head): I can’t believe that you don’t like anything non-vegetarian.
Me: (faint smile) *I can’t believe the pasta arrabiata is 700 bucks. SEVEN HUNDRED. For tomato paste! Wtf!*
FF: Why don’t you try it again today? Try the chicken.
Me: (faint smile) I’m good, thank you. * WTF. The CHICKEN is SEVEN HUNDRED BUCKS? Does this buffoon have stock in this restaurant?*
FF: Or are you one of those rabid, PETA type vegetarians?
Me: (faint smile) haha no. Eat all the animals you want. *Isn’t PETA vegan now? No paneer also. Tsk.*
F: Let’s talk about something else. So what’s up at work FF?
FF: Arey it’s a dog-eat-dog scenario. (leers) Haha, see LaFictionista, even dogs eat meat.
Me: (faint smile) Is that non-vegetarianism or cannibalism? *I wish a cannibal were here now. My brain might actually stand a chance of surviving the night.*