Tag Archives: chatswithmorons

Half the marketing team is wasted…

#chatswithpeople #48
#chatswithcolleagues

Overzealous Marketing Guy (OMG): hey, can we just see the layouts for the last time? So that we ensure they’re meeting the objectives of the awareness campaign?
Art Director (AD): these layouts? Which even amoebas think are simplistic?
OMG: yus.
AD: WRITER! Get in here!

OMG to writer: do we need the “the” in this sentence?
Writer (dumbfounded): um yeah, the only copy on this is ‘Watch the program’. So yes, its necessary. Else it would be “Watch program” and we’d sound stupid. It’s grammatically incorrect.

OMG: yeah, grammatically, yeah but advertising can take liberties right?
Writer is speechless; he hadn’t realised what was being done was ‘advertising’. Shakes head in dissent, mouth open.

OMG: okay. Do you think this looks alright at this angle?
Me: that’s the only angle the logo has, so…yes? Hey, AD, please put a full stop after the word ‘program’.

OMG: yes! A full stop! WOW! That just gives the whole thing this poetic finish! Fantastic!
Writer: mouth open.
AD: dude, whatever you’re on is good shit. Who’s your guy?

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Show me the ring again

#chatswithpeople #chatsaboutmarriage #chatswithmorons
#23

Verbatim.
You have been warned.

Ex-friend:…so what else is new ya?
Me: I’m still in shock that you’ve called. I haven’t seen or heard from you…in ten years?
Ex-friend: Ya ya. Get so busy you know, with husband and children and family.
Me: Right. Well anyway, so nice reconnecting, definitely must keep in touch on Faceb-
Ex-friend: So you’re still not married?
Me: Um. I’m still not rich either. It’s very vexing.

Ex-friend: No, but are you getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: Planning on getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: Planning on planning on getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: But why?

Me: Because the divorce has just come through no?
Ex-friend: You’re DIVORCED?
Me: Yes. He used to beat me. Everyday.
Ex-friend: WHAT?
Me: Yeah. I’ve lost two fingers because of him. And my nose. And an ear. And one quarter of a boob.
Ex-friend: OH MY GOD. But the photos…?
Me: FB deletes them. It’s too ugly. Sob.
Ex-friend: I’m so sorry. I’m. I. Listen I have to go.
Me: I thought you might. Bye.

Pass the judgement please?

#chatswithmorons #chatswithpeople #chatswithfriends #19

At dinner with friend (F) and friend’s friend (FF), who I’m meeting for the first time. After this ensuing conversation, came home and fumed over what I wished I’d said.
So here goes.
*What I wished I’d said in asterisks*

FF: I’m totally excited about the beef steak here. Have you ever had it Akhila?
Me: I’m vegetarian, so no.
FF: What? But why?
Me: Um. I like it? *Why is a raven like a writing desk?*
FF: You don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: Really. *The freedom to eat what I want in peace?*
FF: I can’t understand why anyone would want to be vegetarian.
Me: (faint smile and reading menu) *There are more things in heaven and earth…*

Friend: Hehe let’s all just order what we like eh?
FF: Have you even tried non-veg food?
Me: Of course. *Yes. Half of all animal extinctions are my fault. Then I found Buddhism and gave it up. About the other half, I’d like to blame the French. Those bastards will eat anything.*
FF: And? You didn’t LIKE it?
Me: No. *I don’t LIKE beating people over the head but I’ll make an exception for you.*
FF: Come on. COME ON. That’s not even possible.
Me: (faint smile, perusing menu) *As Galileo said, ‘yougaiz, I’m serious.’*

FF: Have you tried chicken?
Me: Yes. *Are we going to go through each animal now?*
FF: Have you tried seafood?
Me: Yes. *Crap, looks like it.*
FF: Have you tried meat?
Me: Yes. *God. It’s Bangkok all over again.*
FF: Have you tried beef?
Me: Yes. *At this point even the Bangkok waitress gave up and just got me lettuce.*

FF (shaking head): I can’t believe that you don’t like anything non-vegetarian.
Me: (faint smile) *I can’t believe the pasta arrabiata is 700 bucks. SEVEN HUNDRED. For tomato paste! Wtf!*
FF: Why don’t you try it again today? Try the chicken.
Me: (faint smile) I’m good, thank you. * WTF. The CHICKEN is SEVEN HUNDRED BUCKS? Does this buffoon have stock in this restaurant?*

FF: Or are you one of those rabid, PETA type vegetarians?
Me: (faint smile) haha no. Eat all the animals you want. *Isn’t PETA vegan now? No paneer also. Tsk.*
F: Let’s talk about something else. So what’s up at work FF?
FF: Arey it’s a dog-eat-dog scenario. (leers) Haha, see Akhila, even dogs eat meat.
Me: (faint smile) Is that non-vegetarianism or cannibalism? *I wish a cannibal were here now. My brain might actually stand a chance of surviving the night.*