Date Fright – Part 4

Some stories have an unexpected epilogue.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Interior: party at friend’s house.

Friend: hello, hello, hello! Come in, come in, come in!
Me: oho. In triplicate eh?
Friend: so don’t be mad, but…Stoner is here.

Me: (lunge for door, unfortunately friend is standing in the way)
Me: $%#$%@!!!!
Friend: the only advantage to being pregnant. People don’t knock you down.
Me: please, please, please let me go. Please.

Friend: no, no, there’s someone else I want you to meet. So come on. Just avoid Stoner.
From behind us both.
Stoner: hello!
Friend and Me: $%#$%@!!!!

Stoner: hi.
Me:…hi. How are you?
Stoner: good, good, I’m Stoner.
Me: um….yes. Hi.

Stoner:…so what’s your name?
Me:…we’ve…met. (gestures to idiot Friend) She set us up?

Stoner: who? You and me? Impossible. I’d never forget such a pretty face.
Me (stoically): well, mine IS purple right now so…
Friend (elbowing me): Stoner, you guys went out last month. You know?

Stoner leans debonairly on the wall: really? And what time in the morning did you leave?
Me: (bitch face. EXTREME bitch face)
Friend: oh, I…is someone calling me?
Me: move and you’re dead.

Stoner: can I get you a drink?
Me: no. are you stoned right now?
Me: well?
Stoner: as a matter of fact no. I gave it up recently.
Friend and Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stoner: I’m a stand-up guy I swear. Let me tell you this funny story about how I fell off a bridge.
Me: dear God.
Stoner: yeah it’s a good one. You know, it’s so weird, but a lot of women have fallen in love with me after hearing this story. Hyuk hey can I tell you my favourite pick up line?

Friend and Me: no.
Stoner: “How do you stop your date droning on and on? Use your mouth baby hurr hurr!”
Friend and Me:…………………………..

Friend: I’m so sorry but she’s gotta go. She has this thing.
Me: I love you.
Stoner: already? But I haven’t told you the story yet.
Friend: shut it, Jekyll.
Me: so much love.


Servicing – a day in the life.

Dedicated to Hiroshima, Bonsai and all my servicing friends.
You know who you are, I’ve yelled at and threatened you enough.

The players:
Hiroshima: loud, explosive with long-lasting after effects that leave ears ringing and head whirling, and sometimes faces stinging. One of the two intelligent humans in the agency’s servicing dept. Strangely, in this post, she came out as the silent one.
Bonsai: tiny, but nonetheless more beautiful in brain and spirit than your normal sized specimens. The other intelligent human.

God: the head of the office. We all look to him for help or answers, but never actually get any.
Jack: Last name Ass. Servicing head. Possesses disturbing tendency towards inappropriate comments.

10 am
Hiroshima and Bonsai walk in.
Jack: why so late? Client called. I told him he can have anything he wants.
Hiroshima: he wants an ad on NASA’s next flight shuttle. How is that going to happen?
God: (impassive silence)
Jack: you’re the AE, you tell me. Anyway, meeting at 10:30.

Bonsai: what? Why?
Jack: for that thing I didn’t tell you about that’s gone wrong. After that meeting from last week that I didn’t tell you about either. Hiroshima, you come too. We’ll have a group orgy. Hahahaha. Get it? Group ORGY! Woo hoo!
Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

11 am. Client’s office. 
Client:…and even though WE sat on our collective asses for four weeks, we feel you should churn out the final product in 2 days, even though it normally takes 10 days.
God: (looking impassively on, offering of biscuits is slid before him)
Jack: oh yes yes yes. Geddit? Yes YES YES. Ahahahaha

Bonsai & Hiroshima (whispering to God and Jack): THREE days? Creative will kill us. HOW?
Jack: you’re the AEs, you tell me.
Bonsai: Whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: Sulky silence.

1 pm. In the creative section.
Bonsai and Hiroshima begging two separate art directors.
Bonsai: please! We have to deliver.
Art director 1: no.

Hiroshima: I’ll name my first child after you.
Art director 2: I don’t like children. Fuck off.

Bonsai (threateningly): God says you have to do this.
Art director 1: tell your boss to tell the boss to talk to our boss. We’re off for lunch.
The art directors swan off, leaving behind two shaking Japanese themed servicing people.

Bonsai: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Why the FUCK did I get into advertising?
Hiroshima: Why the fuck was I born? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Beleaguered copywriter working through lunch: what an adaptable word fuck is.
Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

2 pm. In studio.
Hiroshima and Bonsai begging studio boss.
H: please!
B: double please!
H: triple please!
B: quadruple!

Studio Boss: yes yes ok, but what do you WANT?
Hiroshima & Bonsai: oh. Didn’t we say? There is this job that normally needs four art directors and 10 days – and we need your 2 boys who’re doing 3 other things to do it in 2 days.

Studio Boss: please, continue begging. It will pass your time for 20 days, which is how long it will take to do this job.
Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

2:30 pm. Back to bosses.
Hiroshima and Bonsai to Jack and God: it can’t be done. Creative is refusing, studio is refusing. So HOW?
Jack: you’re the AEs, you tell me.

Hiroshima: fine. Lets hire temp workers.
Jack: no.
God: (stoic silence)

Bonsai: let’s outsource.
Jack: no.
God: (stoic silence)

Hiroshima: let’s ask other offices to help.
Jack: no.
God: (stoic silence)

Bonsai: let’s ask client to ask his other agency to handle the artworks, we’ll squeeze out the design.
Jack: no.
God: (stoic silence)

Hiroshima and Bonsai: *#%#$&%$#%???
Jack: you’re the AEs, you tell me.
God: (stoic silence)

Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

3 pm. Back to creative.
Hiroshima: okay, just do the initial work. 2 layouts, that’s all.
Art director 2: No.

Bonsai: okay just do a rough design. I’ll have it adapted.
Art director 1: No.

Hiroshima: PLEASE! I’ll marry my first daughter to you.
Art director 2: I don’t like girls either, dude. Gross.

Bonsai: I’ll chop your balls off.
Art director 1: too late, my wife already did that.

Hiroshima: okay. Drinks. Unlimited. During the time it takes you to do 2 layouts.
Art director 2: NOW you’re talking!
Art director 1 looks at Bonsai: wanna offer me pot?

Bonsai: fucking do it now or I’ll call your wife and tell her where you actually are every night.
Art director 1 considers for a moment: well, when you put it that way…

Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

5 pm. Layouts are ready. Time for copy.
Hiroshima and Bonsai: we need copy.
Beleaguered copywriter cowering: okay, okay. Anything you want, just don’t hit me anymore.
Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

5.30 pm. Layouts with copy ready.
Hiroshima: okay. So we’ve got layouts. Adapts in studio will still take 3 days.
Bonsai: bloody client. If only he’d TALKED to us first….
They look at each other, stunned.

Hiroshima and Bonsai on phone to respective clients: listen you, postpone the date.
Clients: WHAT? No way! God promised me!

Hiroshima & Bonsai: Do you WANT to bring up how I covered your ass last week? And will do it again the next time you screw up? Or do you want me to not help you out the next time you screw up?
Clients: No hurry man. Take five days, no issues. You guys are awesome.

Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

8:30 pm. Trudging out of office, after three hours in studio, two and a half hours of yelling and a half hour of holding head in hands at colossal stupidity of entire mankind.
Jack: Going already? Half day? We all worked all night, every day. Because we guys “got lucky” every night. Ahahahaha.
God: (impassive silence, hand raised in silent goodbye)

Bonsai: whatever. (Eye roll.)
Hiroshima: sulky silence.

Copywriter in empty, echoing office: hello? Anybody there? Should I stop writing now?

Hottie outside, idiot inside

#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #swoon #bae #justmiss #flirting #fail #38

Me: omg omg omg the car is stuck on a slope omg now what bloody thing just start.
Car: hack hack hack hack die.
Me: omg fine you’re my baby just start please pretty please please please please

Me: omg (much internal shrieking)
Other cars and drivers: honk! Idiot! Honk! Stupid! Honk! LADY DRIVER! Honk!
Me: OMG. OMG. What to do now? Seppuku? Daddy? SHRIEEEEEK.

Tall, broad shouldered knight in shining armour comes into view, striding down slope towards car.
Me:…………………………(audible gulp)

Knight makes motions to roll down my window.
I roll down.
Knight smiles: hi!

Knight (smiles): Turn off your AC and sound system.
Me (breathily): because they’re so turned on?
Knight (slightly puzzled smile): Turn off your AC etc and try again.

Me: okay.
Car: hunka hunka hunka VROOOM BABY
Knight (dimples): See? Use the handbrake, start and accelerate, and only release handbrake when you want to move. Are you ready to move?

Friend: AND THEN?
Me: and then I drove to work.
Me: hack hack hack hack die.

Date Fight – Part 3

#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithfriends #35 #part3

Girl: Stoner Story-Repeater wants to meet again. Somehow, he thinks the date went well. I feel like I should message back and–
Friend: are you stupid?
Girl: er…..

Girl: so I shouldn’t message?
Friend: you say nothing. Or you say ‘I’ll slap you.’ Or you just ignore messages and block him.

Girl: you want me to GHOST him? No. Nooooo.
Friend: what’s ghost?
Girl: when you just disappear on someone and they don’t know what’s happening or why things fell apart or anything and they’re just waiting and waiting and they’re dying and it’s horrible and you feel like ripping your heart out and…
Friend: all right, ALL RIGHT…yes, I want you to ghost him.

Girl: no. I CAN’T. I hate when that happens to me. I relive everything and wonder what I did or said or breathed wrong and basically die every day. If I do that to someone else, it’s just inviting bad karma.
Friend: you’re inviting a bad slap. Don’t be stupid.

Girl: How is this stupid? I can be an adult and meet him for ‘a very short coffee’ to say sorry but I’m not interested.
Friend: Is your middle name Stupid?

Girl: fine, FINE. I can mail him and say ‘listen we just won’t work because yada yada’.
Friend: do your parents know you’re stupid?

Girl: maybe ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?
Friend: are you seriously stupid?

Girl: Or ‘I’m not ready for a relationship right now.’
Friend: you are stupid.

Girl: can I send him a funny meme saying I’m pyscho and he’s so lucky this isn’t going forward?
Friend: Are. You. Stupid. I. Will. Slap. You.

Girl: maybe I should send him flowers with a ‘sorry, but all the best’ card.
Friend: Fill in the blanks. Dash dash stupid?

Girl: there’s got to be SOME way of doing this.
Friend gives death stare and makes slapping motions.

Girl: Okay. I’m just gonna be truthful. (typing) Hi Stoner. It was very nice meeting you but. But. But…
Friend: but you’re stupid. And I’ll slap you if you message again.

Girl: It was very nice meeting you this once. All the best for your future. Thanks, me.
Friend: how is this better than silence? This is cruel. This is rude.

Girl: at least he KNOWS? He’s not stuck wondering and dying every day.
Friend: he won’t be. You’re the only fool who dies. No one else is dying.

Girl: shit. He’s sending smiley faces.
Friend: I want to slap myself now.

Date Flight – Part 2

#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #35 #part2

ICYMI Part 1:

Guy:…and I was so sure that the hiking guide was in love with me, that I missed a step and FELL off the bridge. It was a miracle I survived.
Girl (tonelessly): A miracle.

Waiter:…and here are your main courses. As ma’am requested, the fastest thing on the menu.
Girl: thank you. So much. Maybe you could get the bill too.

Guy: no hurry.
(silence for two minutes)
Guy: God, I totally need to tell you about this hiking trip I took.
Girl: oh yeah? Where was it?
Guy: near this huge river, with rapids. And ha ha ha ha OMG I fell off a bridge!
Girl: errr. Again?
Guy: what do you mean again?

Girl:…and then, this job happened. So yeah.
Guy: corporate life sucks no? Let me tell you this exciting time I went hiking…
Girl (tonelessly): was it near a bridge?
Girl: I’m becoming psychotic.

Guy: where’s the waiter? Wouldn’t you like some dessert?
Girl: um. No. it’s okay.
Guy: Cammon! You look like a girl with an appetite. (winks slowly) And I don’t know why, you Amazons always fall in love with me.
Girl (weakly): or dream of pushing you off a bridge. We’re stupid like that. Excuse me.

Girl dials blind-date-setting-up-friend’s-phone-number.
Friend: OMG how’s it going?
Girl: um. Listen, quickly. Don’t prevaricate okay. Why did you fix the two of us up?
Friend: you’re both single?

Girl: I’m gonna kill you.
Friend: what?? Is it bad? Omg. He’s not such a bad person. He has this funny story about falling off a bridge.

Friend: shit. He must be stoned again then.
Friend: I didn’t mention that?
Girl: you’re dead to me.

Waiter: ma’am, are you coming back inside?
Girl: nope. He’s your problem now. Swipe please and tata.

Girl comes home.
Flatmate: how was it?
Girl: I think I should become a nun.
Flatmate: that bad?

Fast and spurious

#chatswithpeople #chatswithflatmate #chatswithfriends #karwachauth #chatsaboutmarriage #34

​2015 May
Tring tring. 
Me: hello? 
To-be-flatmate: hey. We met just two hours ago? You came by the house and met me and my parents?
Me: yes, of course, hi.
TBF: so, um, my parents really liked you and they think I should let you know you can have the house if you want it. 
Me: oh wow thank you, that’s…wait do you like me? 

TBF: yeah sure why not I mean I don’t know you but I’m sure it will be fine and my parents think South Indians make for great flatmates because you know, you’re also vegetarian and you mentioned that you don’t drink much and stuff. 
Me: right. Um. Are you sure you like me? No one’s forcing you right? You can say no if you don’t want to so this. 
TBF: no no, it’s fine. My parents have my best interests at heart no, and they will know best. So yeah. 

2015 July
Me:…and we also have to figure groceries for the month. 
Flatmate: dude how much household shit is there? Is this what married couples do? Are we as good as married now?

Me: I want to be the wife. I always had to play boys in school plays. 
Flatmate: er. I really wish I hadn’t let my parents convince me to share a home with you. 
Me: that makes it an arranged marriage, no?
Flatmate: sigh. 

2016, October
Tring tring.
Me: hello patidev.
Flatmate: achcha karva chauth ka kuch scene hai ki nahin?
Me: hain?

Flatmate: are you fasting for my long life or not? 
Me: errrr-
Flatmate: I thought so. my first view of you this morning was you stuffing your face. I demand my husbandly rights.
Me: err. South India mein toh waise nahi…
Flatmate: kulta. Shaadi toh Punjabi se kiya hai. 

Me: what does kulta mean?
Flatmate: dur fitteh mooh. Don’t change topic. Are you refusing to starve and therefore killing me softly?

Me: arey but I know when you will die. 
Flatmate: I think I’ll start locking my door at night. 
Me: arey I’m not going to kill you. It’s taken this long to break you in. But no need for starving and all. 

Flatmate: achcha? Batao? You’ve used the #SavitriGambit?
Me: ptui.Chasing men and asking them for what we want never works.
Flatmate: true. 

Me: No, no. I have done retirement planning. A la Thelma and Louise, we will joyride to death in, say, 15-20 years. 
Me: I will even find you Brad Pitt lookalike beforehand. 

Flatmate: sob. My patni bestest.
Me: true. Ab gift ka time hai. Kya de rahe ho?
Flatmate: I’ll open the door for maid every morning for a week. 
Me: OMG. You really love me!

A cuppa Joe

​#chatswithpeople #chatswithfriends #33

Me: so what else is up?
Friend: I’m totally crushing on the chaiwala!

Me: ??? Ramu kaka????
Friend: IDIOT. Pakistan chaiwala the internet’s new boyfriend?

Me: wait I google. Okay. So you like zis?
Friend: ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Me: I see. 

Friend:  ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ his eyes.

Me: yes. Like the Nat Geo girl no? She must be pissed…all she got was a documentary. 

Friend: shut up you nerd. His chai brings all the girls to the yard. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Me: I still don’t get why there a a squillion pics of this boy on my feed. 
Friend: because ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Me: oh hullo. There’s a video of him. He’s on the news. 
Friend: what?? WHERE?
Me: Pakistan.

(Silence as clip plays and news anchor asks hapless Chaiwala if he wants to act in India or Pakistan)
Me: idiots. Why are they asking him all this? Poor fellow. #karanjohar must be having fits somewhere just thinking about it. 
Friend: silence.

Me: what’s happening
Friend:’s….he’s…there isn’t…
Me:  (chortling inwardly) yuussssss?
Friend: he’s. Um. In a suit. And um. 
Me: yuussssss?
Friend: he’s. He’s. Not hot. Anymore. 

Me: omg they’re comparing him to modi as a tea seller and asking if a Pakistani tea seller can go further than an Indian one ROFL

Friend: I hate you. The only guy I can stare at this month. I hate you.
Me: this interview is gold. Fuck. I love you!