#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #56
Dad yawns: I must go to bed.
Me: …seriously? It’s 9.30. Are you 80 or Tamilian?
Dad: when I was younger I was able to stay up all day and all night.
Me: this is obviously way way way before I was born, because you’ve fallen asleep before me even when I was 4. I know because I’d wake you up to complain that you didn’t finish my bedtime story.
Dad: you need to let that go.
Me: never. When have you stayed awake all night?
Dad: when I was an NCC cadet. They put me on 24-hour security detail while at camp.
Me:…..but why? Where was this?
Dad: in a village.
Me: was it a dangerous village? I’m confused.
Dad: no no, it’s part of your training. And the campsite was next to a burial ground.
Me (Miss Super Coward since 1982): gosh. Weren’t you scared?
Dad: it wasn’t a Hindu burial ground.
Me: er. What difference does that make?
Dad: there were no fires.
Me: fire is reassuring. A burial ground has potential zombies. (I’m also Miss Super Zombie Fearer since 1982.)
Dad: no, no. But when I got home and told my grandmother, she made me take a bath.
Me: the world’s water shortage can be traced to Brahmins taking baths for every bloody thing. But I’m super impressed that you weren’t scared. I’d have run away.
Me: you didn’t know about zombies then, did you?
Dad: no. also, we used to read these comics.
Dad: about Mohini.
Me: the avatar of Shiva?
Me (sensing blood) (encouragingly): go on.
Dad: you know? like Mohini.
Dad: the pichasini? The seduce-y types?
Me: This explains so much about men. Even in a burial ground, you’re not content to let people in peace. Even from a BURIAL GROUND, a hot chick needs to come seduce you.
Dad:……I’ll go to bed now.
Me: I think that would be best.
Some stories have an unexpected epilogue.
Interior: party at friend’s house.
Friend: hello, hello, hello! Come in, come in, come in!
Me: oho. In triplicate eh?
Friend: so don’t be mad, but…Stoner is here.
Me: (lunge for door, unfortunately friend is standing in the way)
Friend: the only advantage to being pregnant. People don’t knock you down.
Me: please, please, please let me go. Please.
Friend: no, no, there’s someone else I want you to meet. So come on. Just avoid Stoner.
From behind us both.
Friend and Me: $%#$%@!!!!
Me:…hi. How are you?
Stoner: good, good, I’m Stoner.
Me: um….yes. Hi.
Stoner:…so what’s your name?
Me:…we’ve…met. (gestures to idiot Friend) She set us up?
Stoner: who? You and me? Impossible. I’d never forget such a pretty face.
Me (stoically): well, mine IS purple right now so…
Friend (elbowing me): Stoner, you guys went out last month. You know?
Stoner leans debonairly on the wall: really? And what time in the morning did you leave?
Me: (bitch face. EXTREME bitch face)
Friend: oh, I…is someone calling me?
Me: move and you’re dead.
Stoner: can I get you a drink?
Me: no. are you stoned right now?
Stoner: as a matter of fact no. I gave it up recently.
Friend and Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Stoner: I’m a stand-up guy I swear. Let me tell you this funny story about how I fell off a bridge.
Me: dear God.
Stoner: yeah it’s a good one. You know, it’s so weird, but a lot of women have fallen in love with me after hearing this story. Hyuk hey can I tell you my favourite pick up line?
Friend and Me: no.
Stoner: “How do you stop your date droning on and on? Use your mouth baby hurr hurr!”
Friend and Me:…………………………..
Friend: I’m so sorry but she’s gotta go. She has this thing.
Me: I love you.
Stoner: already? But I haven’t told you the story yet.
Friend: shut it, Jekyll.
Me: so much love.
#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #swoon #bae #justmiss #flirting #fail #38
Me: omg omg omg the car is stuck on a slope omg now what bloody thing just start.
Car: hack hack hack hack die.
Me: omg fine you’re my baby just start please pretty please please please please
Me: omg (much internal shrieking)
Other cars and drivers: honk! Idiot! Honk! Stupid! Honk! LADY DRIVER! Honk!
Me: OMG. OMG. What to do now? Seppuku? Daddy? SHRIEEEEEK.
Tall, broad shouldered knight in shining armour comes into view, striding down slope towards car.
Knight makes motions to roll down my window.
I roll down.
Knight smiles: hi!
Knight (smiles): Turn off your AC and sound system.
Me (breathily): because they’re so turned on?
Knight (slightly puzzled smile): Turn off your AC etc and try again.
Car: hunka hunka hunka VROOOM BABY
Knight (dimples): See? Use the handbrake, start and accelerate, and only release handbrake when you want to move. Are you ready to move?
Friend: AND THEN?
Me: and then I drove to work.
Friend: WHAT ABOUT TAKING HIS NUMBER OR HIS NAME OR HIS ADDRESS SO WE CAN GO STALK HIM OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU I CAN’T EVEN IDIOT STUPID LADY DRIVER!
Me: hack hack hack hack die.
#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithfriends #35 #part3
Girl: Stoner Story-Repeater wants to meet again. Somehow, he thinks the date went well. I feel like I should message back and–
Friend: are you stupid?
Girl: so I shouldn’t message?
Friend: you say nothing. Or you say ‘I’ll slap you.’ Or you just ignore messages and block him.
Girl: you want me to GHOST him? No. Nooooo.
Friend: what’s ghost?
Girl: when you just disappear on someone and they don’t know what’s happening or why things fell apart or anything and they’re just waiting and waiting and they’re dying and it’s horrible and you feel like ripping your heart out and…
Friend: all right, ALL RIGHT…yes, I want you to ghost him.
Girl: no. I CAN’T. I hate when that happens to me. I relive everything and wonder what I did or said or breathed wrong and basically die every day. If I do that to someone else, it’s just inviting bad karma.
Friend: you’re inviting a bad slap. Don’t be stupid.
Girl: How is this stupid? I can be an adult and meet him for ‘a very short coffee’ to say sorry but I’m not interested.
Friend: Is your middle name Stupid?
Girl: fine, FINE. I can mail him and say ‘listen we just won’t work because yada yada’.
Friend: do your parents know you’re stupid?
Girl: maybe ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?
Friend: are you seriously stupid?
Girl: Or ‘I’m not ready for a relationship right now.’
Friend: you are stupid.
Girl: can I send him a funny meme saying I’m pyscho and he’s so lucky this isn’t going forward?
Friend: Are. You. Stupid. I. Will. Slap. You.
Girl: maybe I should send him flowers with a ‘sorry, but all the best’ card.
Friend: Fill in the blanks. Dash dash stupid?
Girl: there’s got to be SOME way of doing this.
Friend gives death stare and makes slapping motions.
Girl: Okay. I’m just gonna be truthful. (typing) Hi Stoner. It was very nice meeting you but. But. But…
Friend: but you’re stupid. And I’ll slap you if you message again.
Girl: It was very nice meeting you this once. All the best for your future. Thanks, me.
Friend: how is this better than silence? This is cruel. This is rude.
Girl: at least he KNOWS? He’s not stuck wondering and dying every day.
Friend: he won’t be. You’re the only fool who dies. No one else is dying.
Girl: shit. He’s sending smiley faces.
Friend: I want to slap myself now.
#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #35 #part2
ICYMI Part 1:
Guy:…and I was so sure that the hiking guide was in love with me, that I missed a step and FELL off the bridge. It was a miracle I survived.
Girl (tonelessly): A miracle.
Waiter:…and here are your main courses. As ma’am requested, the fastest thing on the menu.
Girl: thank you. So much. Maybe you could get the bill too.
Guy: no hurry.
(silence for two minutes)
Guy: God, I totally need to tell you about this hiking trip I took.
Girl: oh yeah? Where was it?
Guy: near this huge river, with rapids. And ha ha ha ha OMG I fell off a bridge!
Girl: errr. Again?
Guy: what do you mean again?
Girl:…and then, this job happened. So yeah.
Guy: corporate life sucks no? Let me tell you this exciting time I went hiking…
Girl (tonelessly): was it near a bridge?
Guy: OMG ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Girl: I’m becoming psychotic.
Guy: where’s the waiter? Wouldn’t you like some dessert?
Girl: um. No. it’s okay.
Guy: Cammon! You look like a girl with an appetite. (winks slowly) And I don’t know why, you Amazons always fall in love with me.
Girl (weakly): or dream of pushing you off a bridge. We’re stupid like that. Excuse me.
Girl dials blind-date-setting-up-friend’s-phone-number.
Friend: OMG how’s it going?
Girl: um. Listen, quickly. Don’t prevaricate okay. Why did you fix the two of us up?
Friend: you’re both single?
Girl: I’m gonna kill you.
Friend: what?? Is it bad? Omg. He’s not such a bad person. He has this funny story about falling off a bridge.
Girl: IT’S HIS ONLY STORY.
Friend: shit. He must be stoned again then.
Friend: I didn’t mention that?
Girl: you’re dead to me.
Waiter: ma’am, are you coming back inside?
Girl: nope. He’s your problem now. Swipe please and tata.
Girl comes home.
Flatmate: how was it?
Girl: I think I should become a nun.
Flatmate: that bad?
#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithstrangers #35 #part1
Blind date. Girl and boy have arrived, ordered drinks. Very small talk is going on.
Girl:…and blind dates are totally awkward, I agree.
Guy: unless you fall in love on first sight.
Guy (seriously): Most women fall for me on first sight.
Girl: aha. ha. ha? ….ha? ahem. okay then.
Guy: yeah, sorry I was late. I’ve just started work at a new office.
Girl: Oh, how’s it going?
Guy: I think my female boss is in love with me.
Girl: ….oh. I. Um.
Guy: and I changed jobs because my last boss was in love with me too.
Girl (brightly): shall we order?
Waiter (smiling): hello ma’am, welcome back.
Girl (smiling): thank you, how are you?
Waiter (smiling): fine, fine ma’am.
Order is placed.
Guy: so, do you always flirt with the waiters?
Guy: it’s okay. Everyone flirts with me too.
Guy: I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He was talking to you, but looking at me.
Girl: er. I think he’s squint-eyed.
Guy: wow, you’re racist. It’s okay, I won’t judge.
Girl: er, no I’m brutally truthful but not racist.
Guy: it’s okay. You’re awkward because you’re in love with me.
Guy: good thing I didn’t buy flowers then.
Guy (broodingly): I hate flowers.
Stares at posies on table fixedly.
Waiter comes to table: is there a problem sir?
Guy: I hate flowers…they’re so dead inside.
Waiter looks at girl. With one eye.
Girl looks at waiter. With both eyes.
#chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithparents #27
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Father checks phone is working.
Father is pacing up and down.
Mother and father are pacing up and down.
Girl watches father check if phone is working by shaking it violently.
Girl and sister giggle helplessly.
After some confusion and breakage, Mother gets spare landline instrument with ginormous antenna out of the cupboard.
Boy: Um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl (nastily): He has two daughters. The 16-year-old is very pretty.
Girl’s sister squeals loudly and runs out of the living room.
Mother (hissing): idiot. What are you doing?
Father: (low growls)
Boy: (sticking to script) um. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yai yam Narasimha Subramanian. My father is Gopinatha Narasimhan. Yai yam calling to speak to the daughter of Mr Phonebreaker.
Girl: yes, yes, this is the daughter.
Boy: yes. So. Um. Your parents had contacted mine for the purpose of matrimonial alliance.
Boy: your parents had contacted-
Girl (hastily): yes, yes. Okay. Yes. Hi.
Boy: so, they thought we should talk before going any further.
Girl: …oh-kay. Or anywhere really.
Boy: um. So do you have any questions for me?
Girl (caught off-guard): huh? Um. Sure. What do you do?
Boy: (takes deep breath) so I’m an engineer and I work for FirstWorld in their software department where I code all day and I live in Boondockstown I have been here for four years now and parents said I should get married and therefore this phone call.
Boy: Your father told my father that you are a writer?
Girl: I…work in advertising. I’m a copywriter. I write ads for brands in TV, radio etc.
Boy: that sounds very exciting. So glamourous.
Girl: um, it only sounds like it. Mostly it’s my boss ranting at me that he didn’t go to the gym.
Boy: my job is very boring. My boss is also very boring.
Girl:…I…am sorry? But, you live in California no? So at least you might be having a life outside work? Go to restaurants?
Boy: I never eat out.
Girl:…you…never eat out?
Boy: no. You don’t know what oil they’re using? What if it’s not vegetarian?
Girl: ah…Um…Okay. What about other…things? Movies?
Boy: yes, I saw one a few years ago.
Girl: …yes. Yes. Maybe you read?
Girl: yes?? Oh great, what do you like to read?
Boy: Sherlock Holmes.
Girl: …so do you drink?
Father swells up like frog. Mother clutches hair and makes throat slashing motions.
Boy: no no no no no no no no no no no! Shiva! No! (starts to sob) It was only once by mistake, I swear, at an office lunch. Motherswear!
Girl (delicately): yes. Well, this has been wonderful. It’s late so I have to go now.
Boy: (Sniff) okay. Good luck.
Girl (fervently): and to you.
Girl puts down phone.
Girl: No. Just. No.
Parents: But why? He’s such a nice boy!
Girl: sigh. No. Just. No.
Appa: okay, so anyway, fine. There is another boy from Bumsville…
Girl: is he an engineer?
Appa (astonished): how did you know??
Guy: hi. This is Akash…our parents have been chatting?
Girl: um hi. Yes.
Guy: this is so weird isn’t it?
Girl (omg he’s human): yes it so is. Thank you, I’m so glad I’m not the only one weirded out.
Guy: I know right? At least Austen has dances and fans.
Girl (stunned): you read Austen?
Guy: is that weird? I-
Girl: no no it’s amazing. Most people don’t even read.
Guy: I can’t get to sleep without a book. I guess then you shouldn’t tell your parents I’m never alone in bed.
Girl (dying): (trying to be sexy giggle) well, you should know I’ve usually got Steven Tyler in the bedroom.
Guy: (laughs) can I tell you a secret?
Girl (breathless) (throatily): you can tell me anything.
Mom: wake up! Wake up child! GET UP for Krishna’s sake it’s already 9! Don’t blame me when you’re late for work.
Girl: what? What??? WHAT???
Mom: and don’t be late. That boy will be calling at 9 tomorrow so tell your office you’re coming late.
Friend: so, you’re unusually active with your status-dialogue things tonight. What’s up?
Me: flight delayed. By almost two hours.
Friend: ah. And you couldn’t read a book?
Me: forgot to get one.
Me: forgot to charge it and all the desks are occupado.
Friend: ok then. So. What airline is this?
Me: Air India
Friend: what?? Really?
Me: hey man they let you take 25 kg. I’m fed up of worrying about excess baggage.
Friend: yet you didn’t bring a book.
Me: shut up.
Friend: so wow Air India. I haven’t flown that in years…since…
Me: the Gulf? Yeah I know. I can only remember flying AI from there. Of course that’s when we weren’t taking Gulf Air.
Friend: god I miss Gulf Air. All those hot hostesses
Me: hot? They had hats with veils kinda thing going on and wore long, long skirts.
Friend (dreamily): yeah…
Me: the Gulf really screwed with your head no you kinked out perv.
Friend (indignant): what? No! I’m not a perv. Please. You’re as messed up. Didn’t you use to steal the cutlery?
Me: true. I’m not proud of it now but yes.
Friend: at one point you had a whole set of embossed Gulf-Air dessert spoons.
Me (dreamily): yeah. Good times.
Friend: well so you’re the perv.
Me: I think you’ll find that that makes me a kleptomaniac.
Friend: and a pedant.
Me: fine. and a status updater. Your 15 seconds are here.
Friend: I just don’t want my name mentioned.
Me: I understand. Your wife doesn’t know about the veil fetish eh?
Friend: I’m blocking you.
Me:…or like Chicago the movie. Wasn’t that amazing? That song still gives me goosebumps.
Friend: it had songs?
Me: dude. ‘He had it coming’?
Friend: was Catherine Zeta-Jones in it?
Me: what the….? Yes she was! We watched it together! How do you not remember this?
Friend: I dunno. She was in jail for something?
Me: yes, she finds her husband and sister together so she kills ’em
Friend: you say that with a scary amount of satisfaction in your voice.
Me: well hello why not? If you caught your wife cheating with your brother? Wouldn’t you kill them? Like be angry enough to maim at least?
Friend: thank God I don’t have a brother
Me: Okay mr smart ass. What if you catch your wife with your sister? Aha? Oho?
Friend: ai go ya. To worry about this, it would have to be likely that I’ll get married. Have you seen the monstrosity that is Tinder? Pah. Sister it seems.
Me: bad date huh?
Friend: why are people so weird? Like they look normal but then you realise they are nuts and do weird things?
Me: like sleep with your sister.
Friend: you’re not shutting up about this no? Fine, I’d kill them. Happy?
Me: you’d kill them? This is why you’re single. You’re a psycho.
Friend: I’m going to kill you da.