Tag Archives: chatsondates

Date Fright – Part 4

Some stories have an unexpected epilogue.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Interior: party at friend’s house.

Friend: hello, hello, hello! Come in, come in, come in!
Me: oho. In triplicate eh?
Friend: so don’t be mad, but…Stoner is here.

Me: (lunge for door, unfortunately friend is standing in the way)
Me: $%#$%@!!!!
Friend: the only advantage to being pregnant. People don’t knock you down.
Me: please, please, please let me go. Please.

Friend: no, no, there’s someone else I want you to meet. So come on. Just avoid Stoner.
From behind us both.
Stoner: hello!
Friend and Me: $%#$%@!!!!

Stoner: hi.
Me:…hi. How are you?
Stoner: good, good, I’m Stoner.
Me: um….yes. Hi.

Stoner:…………..
Me:…………….
Stoner:…so what’s your name?
Friend:………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me:…we’ve…met. (gestures to idiot Friend) She set us up?

Stoner: who? You and me? Impossible. I’d never forget such a pretty face.
Me (stoically): well, mine IS purple right now so…
Friend (elbowing me): Stoner, you guys went out last month. You know?

Stoner leans debonairly on the wall: really? And what time in the morning did you leave?
Me: (bitch face. EXTREME bitch face)
Friend: oh, I…is someone calling me?
Me: move and you’re dead.

Stoner: can I get you a drink?
Me: no. are you stoned right now?
Stoner:…………..
Me: well?
Stoner: as a matter of fact no. I gave it up recently.
Friend and Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stoner: I’m a stand-up guy I swear. Let me tell you this funny story about how I fell off a bridge.
Me: dear God.
Stoner: yeah it’s a good one. You know, it’s so weird, but a lot of women have fallen in love with me after hearing this story. Hyuk hey can I tell you my favourite pick up line?

Friend and Me: no.
Stoner: “How do you stop your date droning on and on? Use your mouth baby hurr hurr!”
Friend and Me:…………………………..

Friend: I’m so sorry but she’s gotta go. She has this thing.
Me: I love you.
Stoner: already? But I haven’t told you the story yet.
Friend: shut it, Jekyll.
Me: so much love.

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Date Fight – Part 3

#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithfriends #35 #part3

Girl: Stoner Story-Repeater wants to meet again. Somehow, he thinks the date went well. I feel like I should message back and–
Friend: are you stupid?
Girl: er…..

Girl: so I shouldn’t message?
Friend: you say nothing. Or you say ‘I’ll slap you.’ Or you just ignore messages and block him.

Girl: you want me to GHOST him? No. Nooooo.
Friend: what’s ghost?
Girl: when you just disappear on someone and they don’t know what’s happening or why things fell apart or anything and they’re just waiting and waiting and they’re dying and it’s horrible and you feel like ripping your heart out and…
Friend: all right, ALL RIGHT…yes, I want you to ghost him.

Girl: no. I CAN’T. I hate when that happens to me. I relive everything and wonder what I did or said or breathed wrong and basically die every day. If I do that to someone else, it’s just inviting bad karma.
Friend: you’re inviting a bad slap. Don’t be stupid.

Girl: How is this stupid? I can be an adult and meet him for ‘a very short coffee’ to say sorry but I’m not interested.
Friend: Is your middle name Stupid?

Girl: fine, FINE. I can mail him and say ‘listen we just won’t work because yada yada’.
Friend: do your parents know you’re stupid?

Girl: maybe ‘it’s not you, it’s me’?
Friend: are you seriously stupid?

Girl: Or ‘I’m not ready for a relationship right now.’
Friend: you are stupid.

Girl: can I send him a funny meme saying I’m pyscho and he’s so lucky this isn’t going forward?
Friend: Are. You. Stupid. I. Will. Slap. You.

Girl: maybe I should send him flowers with a ‘sorry, but all the best’ card.
Friend: Fill in the blanks. Dash dash stupid?

Girl: there’s got to be SOME way of doing this.
Friend gives death stare and makes slapping motions.

Girl: Okay. I’m just gonna be truthful. (typing) Hi Stoner. It was very nice meeting you but. But. But…
Friend: but you’re stupid. And I’ll slap you if you message again.

Girl: It was very nice meeting you this once. All the best for your future. Thanks, me.
Friend: how is this better than silence? This is cruel. This is rude.

Girl: at least he KNOWS? He’s not stuck wondering and dying every day.
Friend: he won’t be. You’re the only fool who dies. No one else is dying.

Girl: shit. He’s sending smiley faces.
Friend: I want to slap myself now.

Date Flight – Part 2

#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #35 #part2

ICYMI Part 1:

Guy:…and I was so sure that the hiking guide was in love with me, that I missed a step and FELL off the bridge. It was a miracle I survived.
Girl (tonelessly): A miracle.

Waiter:…and here are your main courses. As ma’am requested, the fastest thing on the menu.
Girl: thank you. So much. Maybe you could get the bill too.

Guy: no hurry.
(silence for two minutes)
Guy: God, I totally need to tell you about this hiking trip I took.
Girl: oh yeah? Where was it?
Guy: near this huge river, with rapids. And ha ha ha ha OMG I fell off a bridge!
Girl: errr. Again?
Guy: what do you mean again?
Girl:…………………………………………………………………

Later.
Girl:…and then, this job happened. So yeah.
Guy: corporate life sucks no? Let me tell you this exciting time I went hiking…
Girl (tonelessly): was it near a bridge?
Guy: OMG ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
Girl: I’m becoming psychotic.

Guy: where’s the waiter? Wouldn’t you like some dessert?
Girl: um. No. it’s okay.
Guy: Cammon! You look like a girl with an appetite. (winks slowly) And I don’t know why, you Amazons always fall in love with me.
Girl (weakly): or dream of pushing you off a bridge. We’re stupid like that. Excuse me.

Girl dials blind-date-setting-up-friend’s-phone-number.
Friend: OMG how’s it going?
Girl: um. Listen, quickly. Don’t prevaricate okay. Why did you fix the two of us up?
Friend: you’re both single?

Girl: I’m gonna kill you.
Friend: what?? Is it bad? Omg. He’s not such a bad person. He has this funny story about falling off a bridge.
Girl: IT’S HIS ONLY STORY.

Friend: shit. He must be stoned again then.
Girl:………………………………………………………………..AGAIN?
Friend: I didn’t mention that?
Girl: you’re dead to me.

Waiter: ma’am, are you coming back inside?
Girl: nope. He’s your problem now. Swipe please and tata.

Girl comes home.
Flatmate: how was it?
Girl: I think I should become a nun.
Flatmate: that bad?

Date Fright – Part 1

#chatsondates #chatswithpeople #chatswithboys #chatswithstrangers #35 #part1

Interior: restaurant
Blind date. Girl and boy have arrived, ordered drinks. Very small talk is going on.

Girl:…and blind dates are totally awkward, I agree.
Guy: unless you fall in love on first sight.
Girl: er.
Guy (seriously): Most women fall for me on first sight.

Girl: aha. ha. ha? ….ha? ahem. okay then.
Guy: yeah, sorry I was late. I’ve just started work at a new office.
Girl: Oh, how’s it going?
Guy: I think my female boss is in love with me.
Girl: ….oh. I. Um.
Guy: and I changed jobs because my last boss was in love with me too.
Girl (brightly): shall we order?

Waiter (smiling): hello ma’am, welcome back.
Girl (smiling): thank you, how are you?
Waiter (smiling): fine, fine ma’am.
Order is placed.

Guy: so, do you always flirt with the waiters?
Girl:…………………………………………………………..
Guy: it’s okay. Everyone flirts with me too.
Girl:……………………………………………………………………….
Guy: I’m pretty sure he’s gay. He was talking to you, but looking at me.

Girl: er. I think he’s squint-eyed.
Guy: wow, you’re racist. It’s okay, I won’t judge.
Girl: er, no I’m brutally truthful but not racist.
Guy: it’s okay. You’re awkward because you’re in love with me.
Girl: hmmmm.

Guy: good thing I didn’t buy flowers then.
Girl:……………………………………………..
Guy (broodingly): I hate flowers.
Stares at posies on table fixedly.

Waiter comes to table: is there a problem sir?
Guy: I hate flowers…they’re so dead inside.

Waiter looks at girl. With one eye.
Girl looks at waiter. With both eyes.

#Part2 #comingsoon