Tag Archives: chatsaboutmovies

Ides of Mother

#chatswithparents #chatswithmother #chatsaboutboys #chatsaboutmovies #throwbackfriday

Mum and I discuss going to see the movie, The Ides of March. I wanted to see it because tense thriller, yada yada and CLOONEY and GOSLING.
Mum was going because opportunity to order daughter around, eat popcorn and because I’d been whining about going alone and maybe get murdered by mysterious assailant.

An hour before we leave home, I suddenly think to check the movie’s certification. Given my family’s propensity to embarrassedly change channels when Disney characters are kissing, I thought it wise to just make sure politics was all we’d be seeing on-screen.

Blast and bugger it all.
Ides is A rated for language. And what I hoped were scenes involving Gosling or Clooney with their clothes off. But obviously Mother could not be taken to it now.
I bounced out to the living room where she was frowning censoriously at soap opera where a husband was patting his wife’s shoulder.

Me: okay, I think we should re-think. This movie is rated A.
Mom: oh. Not A-plus?
Me: mum, an A rating doesn’t refer to how good it is. It’s rated for Adults.
The Mother’s brow wrinkled.
Me: so there might some “scenes” and some bad language. And you’ll just get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. It will just ruin the mood.
Me: (baby Clooney and Gosling? I’m in the mo-wait yuck, this is my MOM.) yeah, so you’ll get irritated.
Mom: no, I won’t get irritated. Just my mood will be ruined.
Me: yeah, meaning you’ll not like it and be irritated.
Mom: you mean like you’re irritating me now?
Me: don’t you mean like I’m ruining your mood?
Mom: sulk.
Me: (no Gosling. no Clooney) is there any chocolate?


Film opens on…

#chatswithpeople #chatswithkaranjohar #longread #spoilers #chatsaboutmovies

My imaginary chat with Karan Johar about #AeDilHaiMushkil.
(Imaginary Karan Johar – iKJo)

*Warning: spoilers ahead if you haven’t seen the movie!*

Me: hello! Hi, Karan Johar! I’m sorry, I chloroformed your guards to slip into your home.
iKJo: it’s fine. You’re not even the first one today. Do you want your 375 rupees for Ae Dil Hai Mushkil back? Here’s 500 bucks, keep the change.

Me: err… thanks. But that’s not what I’m here for.
iKJo: then give me back the money.
Me: no.
iKJo:…………………………………God. Middle class people. What do you want?

Me: career advice. And life advice.
iKJo: why ME?
Me: yep. 100 crores in 4 days? Another hit even though your scriptwriter basically looped the first 10 pages for a three-hour movie?
iKJo: I wrote this script.
Me: see? Genius. You got this, bro.

iKJo: fine. FINE. What do you want?
Me: what’s the secret to a long career?
iKJo: reinvention! I re-invented the campus, the parent-loving-trap, infidelity, and now, I’ve reinvented the love triangle as a love conga line!
Me: love conga line?
iKJo: everyone is in love with the person in front and no one is happy—
Me: especially the audience.
iKJo: quiet. Next!

Me: how should I handle rejection in love? Do you sneakily report every action of your ex-love’s to FB and cause mini-traumas every day?
iKJo: bloody amateur. No. You make a huge movie, go to London, Paris, Vienna and Lucknow-
Me: those places always come together smirk
iKJo: even in your imagination, do not interrupt me, okay?
Me: er…sorry.
iKJo: AS I was saying, you make a huge movie, go to London, Paris, Vienna and Lucknow, you help stylists and set decorators MAKE their portfolios, repurpose a bunch of old songs, show endless rejection and aggression, and then you REVENGE being friendzoned in glorious, Casa Vogue-worthy colour.

iKJo: don’t look at me like that, you’re imagining this conversation based on a movie you saw.

Me: true. But don’t you worry about unrealistic portrayals and depictions by showing poetesses, I’m sorry, FAILED poetesses living in Vienna mansions and the like?
iKJo: no.

Me:………………………………..okay then. Next question. How should I ask my boss for a raise?
iKJo: what’s a raise?
Me: you know, when I want more money at my job?
iKJo: what’s a job?
Me: ah. Um. You know, as in ‘dress for the job you want, not the job you have?’
iKJo: dress I understand.

Me:………….right. anyway, okay, how do I know when to move on when a romantic relationship has failed?
iKJo: you don’t move on. No doesn’t mean NO. It just means yes, please ask again, and again, and again, and scream at and choke and shove the person till they tell you what’s wrong with you and do it all over again and again till they die.
Me:………gosh, where DID I put that chloroform?

iKJo: anyway, listen I must go now. A private jet is waiting. If you’re depressed in life, just push off to Paris and start singing old Hindi songs and dancing.
Me: amongst the FRENCH? Les Miserables?
iKJo: listen, ALL foreigners start doing Bollywood steps when Hindi music starts playing. They especially love dancing backup.

Me: hmmmm. Okay. Listen speaking of international things, how can we get back Fawad Khan? Seriously? Please? Seeing him regularly will make my, I mean, the lives of many Indian women much better.
iKJo: it’s my next script. Or what you think is my next script. A spy thriller against a backdrop of a wedding in London-Paris-Milan, where the spy, clearly Fawad, poses as the groom and lands in India via honeymoon in Switzerland and then falls in love and never goes back.
Me: wow! I know this is all imaginary but can I get paid for this script idea?
iKJo: sure. Here, take a mansion in Vienna!

Where no man has…

#chatswithparents #chatswithfriends #chatswithpeople #4 #chatsaboutmovies
Me: omg the new star trek movie is out. Wanna go?
Friend: sure.
Me: OMG. So cool! A complete reboot. This is so beyond.
Friend (looking totally pissed): wtf is this? Who is that pointy eared bugger? What is going on?
Me: SHRIEK. You….you don’t know ANYTHING about Star Trek?
Friend: NO. I thought it was like star wars.
Me:………I don’t think we should be friends anymore.

Benedict Cumberbatch: I’m not Khan.
JJ Abrams: he’s not Khan.
Media: but he is Khan right?
BC and JJA and assorted PR: no. no. No.

Dad: want to go see new Star Trek movie?
Me: ok but…and I want to be very clear on this, you will ensure mum is not sitting next to me during the movie.
Dad: ok

During movie
Of course, Mum is sitting next to me.
B. Cumberbatch: My name is Khan.
Me: oh, balls.
Dad (leaning over): what? But they kept saying he wasn’t?
Mum: is he Indian?

Exit theatre
Dad: this wasn’t as good as the first one no?
Me: no. No it wasn’t. Or even the older movies.
Mum: but that Pock fellow was good.
Dad: hehehehe
Me: Spock.
Mum: what did I say then?

Friend: the new star trek movie is releasing next month.
Me: I’m afraid. Very afraid.