Namma marriage

#chatswithpeople #overheardinnammametro #55 #chatswithaunties #chatsaboutmarriage

First Telugu Aunty: and does she know any other languages?
Second Telugu Aunty: yes yes she knows (H)indi, Marathi, English and all languages.
Third Aunty nods sagely.

First: so it will be easy for her to adjust in Poona.
Second: oh yes, yes she will adjust very easily.
Third Aunty nods sagely.

First: and does she know how to cook?
Second: all dishes she knows.
Third Aunty doesn’t nod. We now know the girl cannot cook; this is a bald-faced lie.

First: very lucky she is. The boy it seems will go to Hamerica it seems.
Second: yes yes next year.
Third Aunty nods gingerly. Next year is too far.

First: this Trump-u is worst-u. He has made so many rules and regulations. Now it is difficult for our people to go there.
Second: yes yes but this boy has the H1B visa already.
Third Aunty and I look puzzled. He already has a H1B visa? When he’s going only next year?

First returns to important matters: what about masalas? Will she be able to make masalas?
Second: yes she knows but we will write and give it also.
Third Aunty looks straight ahead. She and I know that a joyous life of Taco Bell beckons the young couple.

First asks Third: you must be very happy your daughter is getting married. How much gold will you be giving?
Second: we are going now only to see the size of the suitcases.
Third Aunty starts coughing.

First: is she planning to work there?
Second: she has done. B. Ed. But her father fought with the university head so they are not giving her certificates. I think she can work without that only in Hamerica.
Third Aunty drinks water.

My stop arrives. I try to stop myself from asking Second for hype/presentation lessons and leave, tail between my legs.


I woke up like this

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithsiblings #chatswithpeople #chatsaboutmarriage #46

On WhatsApp, 8 am
Sister from NY: omg #beyoncé is having twins
Me: I know the #beyhive is going nuts so sweet
Sister: so much lulz shall I call?
Me: what are you waiting for?

9 am
Tring tring.
Me: hi daddy
Dad: ah yes. Hi ma. Are you busy?
Me: no, why?

Dad: who is this beyonce?
Me: beyoncÉ
Dad: what?
Me: it’s beyoncÉ father
Dad: okay. (aggrieved) That’s what I said no?
Me: …ok, go on?

Dad: see ma, even this beyonce has gotten married and having twins. Why can’t you both?
Me: hahahahahahahaahahahhah
Dad: see, every time we discuss these things you and your sister laugh or cry.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Dad: sigh.

Me: daddy, Beyoncé is a…singer. Like a pop star. (cross myself, may God have mercy on my soul for this blasphemy)
Dad: oh. I thought maybe she’s some college friend.

Me: who’s named BEYONCÉ?
Dad: maybe she’s Malayali?
Me: fair point. But no.
Dad: anyway, Beyonce is also married. Be like Beyonce no?
Me: believe you me, it’s a life goal.

Dad: what songs has this Beyonce done?
Me: All the single ladies.
Me: oh and also Crazy in Love.
Dad:….all this inflammatory English music only is why you people have no brains. Hmph!
Me: hahahahahahahaha omg I gotta call Sister now!


#throwbacktime #tbt

Angry colleague:…and then my husband and I fought. Again. At 3 am. So I’m not speaking to him now. I’m NEVER going to speak to him again.

Me: gosh…you know, that’s unjustified. 

Angry colleague, even angrier: WHAT? Whose side are you on? I cook, clean and bore his children. Do I HAVE to roll over at 3 am so he can get his jollies? Am I a machine?

Me (very awkwardly): No, I meant that paragraph…isn’t justified. Like left justified….I mean, aligned. Like in the layout. Er. I. Er. 

Colleague: (angry silence)

Fast and spurious

#chatswithpeople #chatswithflatmate #chatswithfriends #karwachauth #chatsaboutmarriage #34

​2015 May
Tring tring. 
Me: hello? 
To-be-flatmate: hey. We met just two hours ago? You came by the house and met me and my parents?
Me: yes, of course, hi.
TBF: so, um, my parents really liked you and they think I should let you know you can have the house if you want it. 
Me: oh wow thank you, that’s…wait do you like me? 

TBF: yeah sure why not I mean I don’t know you but I’m sure it will be fine and my parents think South Indians make for great flatmates because you know, you’re also vegetarian and you mentioned that you don’t drink much and stuff. 
Me: right. Um. Are you sure you like me? No one’s forcing you right? You can say no if you don’t want to so this. 
TBF: no no, it’s fine. My parents have my best interests at heart no, and they will know best. So yeah. 

2015 July
Me:…and we also have to figure groceries for the month. 
Flatmate: dude how much household shit is there? Is this what married couples do? Are we as good as married now?

Me: I want to be the wife. I always had to play boys in school plays. 
Flatmate: er. I really wish I hadn’t let my parents convince me to share a home with you. 
Me: that makes it an arranged marriage, no?
Flatmate: sigh. 

2016, October
Tring tring.
Me: hello patidev.
Flatmate: achcha karva chauth ka kuch scene hai ki nahin?
Me: hain?

Flatmate: are you fasting for my long life or not? 
Me: errrr-
Flatmate: I thought so. my first view of you this morning was you stuffing your face. I demand my husbandly rights.
Me: err. South India mein toh waise nahi…
Flatmate: kulta. Shaadi toh Punjabi se kiya hai. 

Me: what does kulta mean?
Flatmate: dur fitteh mooh. Don’t change topic. Are you refusing to starve and therefore killing me softly?

Me: arey but I know when you will die. 
Flatmate: I think I’ll start locking my door at night. 
Me: arey I’m not going to kill you. It’s taken this long to break you in. But no need for starving and all. 

Flatmate: achcha? Batao? You’ve used the #SavitriGambit?
Me: ptui.Chasing men and asking them for what we want never works.
Flatmate: true. 

Me: No, no. I have done retirement planning. A la Thelma and Louise, we will joyride to death in, say, 15-20 years. 
Me: I will even find you Brad Pitt lookalike beforehand. 

Flatmate: sob. My patni bestest.
Me: true. Ab gift ka time hai. Kya de rahe ho?
Flatmate: I’ll open the door for maid every morning for a week. 
Me: OMG. You really love me!

Hello, is it me you’re looking for…

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatswithboys #26

Ring. Ring.
Girl: hello?
Guy: hi. This is Akash…our parents have been chatting?
Girl: um hi. Yes.

Guy: this is so weird isn’t it?
Girl (omg he’s human): yes it so is. Thank you, I’m so glad I’m not the only one weirded out.
Guy: I know right? At least Austen has dances and fans.

Girl (stunned): you read Austen?
Guy: is that weird? I-
Girl: no no it’s amazing. Most people don’t even read.

Guy: I can’t get to sleep without a book. I guess then you shouldn’t tell your parents I’m never alone in bed.
Girl (dying): (trying to be sexy giggle) well, you should know I’ve usually got Steven Tyler in the bedroom.

Guy: (laughs) can I tell you a secret?
Girl (breathless) (throatily): you can tell me anything.

Mom: wake up! Wake up child! GET UP for Krishna’s sake it’s already 9! Don’t blame me when you’re late for work.
Girl: what? What??? WHAT???

Mom: and don’t be late. That boy will be calling at 9 tomorrow so tell your office you’re coming late.

#SURPRISE #yesimhorrible #yesteasing
#therealphonecall coming asap

So, there’s this guy…

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #chatsaboutmarriage #25

Disclaimer: This is fiction. Okay? Not inspired by real events at all. It never happened to me.
Okay? Okay.

Appa:…and the boy is in Yew Yes Yay
Girl:….let me guess. He’s an engineer?
Appa: (astonished) How did you know??
Girl: Sigh. I’m saying No.

Amma: So, he will call you up then to speak to you and then we can say yes.
Girl: No.
Amma: Very good. Shall we say 9.30?
Girl: No.

Appa: So you have to get up at least at 8 am so you can be bathed and ready.
Girl: How does it matter if I’m bathed or not for the phone call Anyway, I’m not awake till at least 9 am. And anyway, No.

Appa: What do you mean you’re not awake? Then what, we have to ask him to call AT NIGHT? AFTER 6 PM? ARE YOU MAD?
Girl: Who has conversations in the morning?? Also, still, No. To all of it.
Amma: At least three of your aunties call me everyday at 6.30 am to ask what I have finished cooking for the day.

Appa: Anyway, it is better we set a time.
Girl:…because of the time difference?
Appa: What time difference?

Girl:…. USA to India?
Amma: Aiyo no no. We must ensure he does not call in Rahu kalam*. So tomorrow is…Tuesday. Ah okay, he can call in the morning any time.

Girl: No. There’s no calling no nothing. He’s a moron.
Amma: Foolish girl. He’s not a moron, he’s a Madhava. When will you learn the subsects?
Girl: Never. Just No to all of this.

Appa (approvingly): Shy. Finally, she is becoming South Indian.
Girl: I’m adopted no? Just say yes. And again, No.

*Rahu Kalam is an inauspicious time period every day. To make life interesting, it is never the same time everyday. So grandmothers have ensured children call them everyday, if for nothing else than to ascertain when Rahu Kalam is.

Show me the ring again

#chatswithpeople #chatsaboutmarriage #chatswithmorons

You have been warned.

Ex-friend:…so what else is new ya?
Me: I’m still in shock that you’ve called. I haven’t seen or heard from you…in ten years?
Ex-friend: Ya ya. Get so busy you know, with husband and children and family.
Me: Right. Well anyway, so nice reconnecting, definitely must keep in touch on Faceb-
Ex-friend: So you’re still not married?
Me: Um. I’m still not rich either. It’s very vexing.

Ex-friend: No, but are you getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: Planning on getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: Planning on planning on getting married?
Me: No.
Ex-friend: But why?

Me: Because the divorce has just come through no?
Ex-friend: You’re DIVORCED?
Me: Yes. He used to beat me. Everyday.
Ex-friend: WHAT?
Me: Yeah. I’ve lost two fingers because of him. And my nose. And an ear. And one quarter of a boob.
Ex-friend: OH MY GOD. But the photos…?
Me: FB deletes them. It’s too ugly. Sob.
Ex-friend: I’m so sorry. I’m. I. Listen I have to go.
Me: I thought you might. Bye.