Take two aspirin before seeing the doctor

#chatswithpeople #60

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#chatswithpeople #60

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Eat my short stories

#chatswithparents #chatsaboutTV #58

Mum and I are watching #thesimpsons.
Homer: D’oh!
Mum: ha ha ha ha this guy’s funny
Me: really? See, we could have been watching this instead of Kyunki Saas bhi Boring Thi

Dad comes in and watches a bit.
Dad: why’s he strangling his child?
Me: #parenting.
Dad: what nonsense! How are you people watching this?

Mum (bristling): excuse me? I like it! And you sat and made me watch all the seasons of #thepunisher with you.
Dad (cowed): um…so?
Mum: that was wayyy more violent. That time you didn’t think anything and all?
Dad (sadly): d’oh.
Dad leaves room.

On screen, Bart and Nelson use Milhouse as a battering ram against a door.
Mum: oh! That’s so dangerous.
Me (rolling eyes): mother, it’s a cartoon.
Mum (darkly): that’s what you think. This is how your sister ended up with that scar.
Me: what scar? What?
Mum leaves room.
Me (confusion): d’oh?

Come fly the froufrou skies

#chatswithpeople #chatswithstrangers #57
During a recent flight, my co-passenger or Man on Right (MOR) was a source of great joy.

He strides up to our row.
MOR to steward: is there a separate compartment for Louis Vuitton luggage?
Steward and I are speechless. I try to glance at man’s ticket to see if he’s from Delhi.

Captain announces refreshments.
Air hostess whose name tag says Sheena pulls up.
Sheena: veg or non-veg sir?
MOR: do you have a fruit platter please? I don’t mind if it’s from business class.
Sheena and I both raise an eyebrow.
Sheena: let me just check sir.
Sheena and I both know she’s not checking.

Coffee time.
Sheena: I’m sorry sir, we’re out of fruit platters. Can I offer you some tea or coffee please?
MOR: Can I have some French press coffee, please?
I raise the other eyebrow. Sheena is made of sterner stuff.
Sheena: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of French press. Can I serve you regular coffee please?

MOR: what kind of coffee is it?
Sheena, with greater patience than I will ever have: Nescafe, sir.
MOR: oh. That won’t do. Can you check if you have Earl Grey please?
Sheena: of course, sir.
Sheena and I both know she’s not checking.

MOR stands up and removes two power banks. He plugs one power bank into his phone, and the other into his speakers. He presses the call button.
Sheena (sighs): yes, sir?
MOR: can I get some earphones please?
Sheena and I are momentarily stunned. The man is wearing them, and also bloody hell man, they charge us for picking seats now. You think they have earphones?
Sheena: let me just check sir.
Sheena and I both know she’s not checking.

MOR waits a bit more. And proceeds to unroll a wired set of earphones and plugs them in. To my great joy, he hasn’t plugged them in fully.
The first two rows are treated to loud remixes of Hindi songs, the like you play when everyone is really, really drunk.
We all patiently wait for him to realise his earphones are not broadcasting sound.
He does not.

Sheena: sir! Excuse me, sir! (She touches his shoulder lightly.)
MOR: yes?
Sheena: sir, I’m so sorry but I think there may be a problem with your headphones. We can all hear the sounds of what you’re watching.
MOR: no, that’s not possible, I had my earphones in.
Sheena: yes, sir, I think they were not fully plugged in.

MOR: really? Could you hear classical music?
Kid on other side of aisle snickers: we heard Aunty Police Bulalegi.
Sheena and I go stone-faced as MOR stares balefully at kid.
MOR turns to Sheena: could you please check if I could switch seats?
Sheena: let me just check sir.
Sheena and I both know she’s not checking.

Things that go make you aarrgh

#chatswithpeople #chatswithparents #56

9.30 pm
Dad yawns: I must go to bed.
Me: …seriously? It’s 9.30. Are you 80 or Tamilian?
Dad: when I was younger I was able to stay up all day and all night.
Me: this is obviously way way way before I was born, because you’ve fallen asleep before me even when I was 4. I know because I’d wake you up to complain that you didn’t finish my bedtime story.

Dad: you need to let that go.
Me: never. When have you stayed awake all night?
Dad: when I was an NCC cadet. They put me on 24-hour security detail while at camp.

Me:…..but why? Where was this?
Dad: in a village.
Me: was it a dangerous village? I’m confused.
Dad: no no, it’s part of your training. And the campsite was next to a burial ground.

Me (Miss Super Coward since 1982): gosh. Weren’t you scared?
Dad: it wasn’t a Hindu burial ground.
Me: er. What difference does that make?
Dad: there were no fires.
Me: fire is reassuring. A burial ground has potential zombies. (I’m also Miss Super Zombie Fearer since 1982.)

Dad: no, no. But when I got home and told my grandmother, she made me take a bath.
Me: the world’s water shortage can be traced to Brahmins taking baths for every bloody thing. But I’m super impressed that you weren’t scared. I’d have run away.

Dad:…well.
Me: you didn’t know about zombies then, did you?
Dad: no. also, we used to read these comics.
Me:…oh?
Dad: about Mohini.
Me: the avatar of Shiva?

Dad:…no.
Me (sensing blood) (encouragingly): go on.
Dad: you know? like Mohini.
Me: yes?
Dad: the pichasini? The seduce-y types?

Me: This explains so much about men. Even in a burial ground, you’re not content to let people in peace. Even from a BURIAL GROUND, a hot chick needs to come seduce you.
Dad:……I’ll go to bed now.
Me: I think that would be best.