Author Archives: Akhila

Chasing money

#Chatswithpeople
#52

Tring tring.
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna.
Me:……………(NO. WHAT? NO.)
Interviewer: hello?
Me: yes, hi! Is this Interviewer?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes.
Me: (I DIDN’T MISHEAR IT OMG WTF DO I DO NOW?) um. Hi. I’m calling about the opening for Creative Head?

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes. How are you?
Me: (oh, that’s actually nice.) Fine, thank you. How are you?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Very well. Life has been kind. Krishna has been merciful.
Me: (IT WAS A FUCKING TRAP. HOLY JEBUS.)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, so tell me about yourself.
Me: (I’m the unluckiest person in this world right now) (I unreel bio)

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, very good. Tell me.
Me: yes?
Interviewer: Are you a great writer? Jai Shri Krishna. Because we need GREAT writers.
Me: well, that would be for others to say right? I mean…isn’t it subjective?
Interviewer: I don’t understand.
Me: I mean, you know, great writing or any sort of art is defined by the audience or people viewing it rather than creating it…?
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: (giving up) I wouldn’t say great (also because then you’d bring it up in EVERY appraisal saying but you told us you were a great writer) but I’m very good.

Interviewer: But you see, we want GREAT writers. Like amazing. Simply wow.
Me:…………………………………………………………………(many words that cannot be printed)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Are you there?
Me: ahem. Yes. Hi. So um…
Interviewer: We are also a ruthless team. The sales is ruthless, the other writers are ruthless and the marketing is ruthless. Even our office staff are ruthless.
Me: um.
Interviewer: And they are all GREAT. Like, the office staff is GREAT at making coffee, yes. Jai Shree Krishna.
Me:…..Jai Shree Krishna (FUCK WHY AM I SAYING IT NOW?) okay. I’m not sure how to take this forward.

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna. Also, how old are you?
Me: I’m 35.
Interviewer: HOMYGORD. That old? You are extremely experienced.
Me: (that’s what he said—no wait this isn’t the time!) Um. I thought you were looking for a Creative Head?

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, yes but you’d have to report to me. Are you okay reporting to a younger person?
Me: (younger person yes. you, I’m not sure.) sure? Could we discuss salary?
Interviewer: yes, we will pay 8 peanuts.
Me: right. So there’s one thing about your organization that isn’t GREAT, then.

Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna? Oh also, it depends on how many awards you win.
Me: (I’m going to kill that recruiter. Fricking dismember. Twist arms and legs off. Bloody well-)
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna, GREAT chat. But I have a meeting now so can we chat tomorrow again?

Me: (over the recruiter’s dead effing body) Of course. Go forth and be ruthless.
Interviewer: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: I mean, goodbye. And Jesus is great.
Me: Jai Shree Krishna?
Me: (hung up)

Advertisements

So you write things down?

#Chatswithpeople #chatswithclients #chatswithparents #chatsinadvertising
#51

Tring tring.
Prospective Client (PC): hello?
Me:…yes, hi. I’m Hapless Poor Writer and I was given your number in reference to Undefined Freelance Work That You Will Change the Brief of At Least Twice But Fuck I’m Poor and Desperate.

PC: oh yeah yeah. We’ve actually changed the scope of that work.
Me: of course. right…so now it’s…?
PC: undefined Freelance Jelly That Might Become Custard or Pudding But Will Definitely Turn Your Brains Into Jelly

Me: (sigh) brilliant. So how do we take this forward?
PC: why don’t you send us an initial proposal?

Me: sure…so I was thinking we could do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas. Does that work for you?
PC: that sounds great and bang on brief.
Me: okay, so I’ll mail you that then.

A day later.

PC: hey hi, so your proposal doesn’t work for us…can you re-do?
Me: sure, could we please quickly discuss the parts that don’t work?
PC: all of them.

Me:…o-kay. (BUT YOU SAID IT WAS BANG ON BRIEF BITCH WTF WAS THAT THEN) So what direction would you like me to work in?
PC: to make our brand famous.
Me:…right, perhaps we could narrow that down.
PC: to make our brand really famous.
Me: (through gritted teeth) certainly. and what should people do after your brand is very famous?
PC: Buy it.

Me:….sure. But we might not be able to structure all social media communication all the time around that…or that directly even…so what would you say is the campaign goal?
PC:…
Me: awareness? Product features? Likeability? Likes?
PC:…let me check with my team get back to you.
Me: right, sure.

A day later.
PC: hi so we want to do Things on Instagram, Things on Facebook and Some More Things on Twitter. Along with Other Ideas.
Me:….yes, I believe that was my plan too…

PC: no, this is different from your plan.
Me:…….
PC: my team feels that your plan was lacking in focus and wouldn’t make us famous. But this one will. Your plan is Jelly, but this plan is Custard.
Me: okay. (I need money. I need money. I need money.) so if Custard is the goal, then would you like to explore Fruit Toppings and Ice Cream?
PC: yes.
Me: ok. (I AM GONNA DOUBLE THE COST. TRIPLE. QUADR-)
PC: also…
Me: yes?
PC: could you give us an option for Jelly? It might help to explore our options.

Tring tring.
Dad: hello ma?
Me: MY LIFE IS YOUR FAULT.
Dad: ah? What happened ma?
Me: WHY DID YOU HAVE THREE KIDS? WHY NOT JUST STOP AT ONE AND GIVE HER A RETIREMENT FUND? OR A HELICOPTER?
Dad: um…I don’t think that exchange scheme was available when your siblings were born.
Me: banging head against wall.

Eagle eye

On the street where you live

Must love dogs.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane…

Sunflowers