Creepy colleague (CC): you’ll totally drool over me now.
CC: you’re gonna be so turned on.
Me: (words fail me but vomit raises its hand)
CC: I painted something.
Me: (waiting. Surely there must be more. For me to be turned on by this fellow, he must have discovered the cure for cancer. And even that might not be enough.)
(Realising that’s it.) okay. What did you paint
CC:I made this cool, life-life painting of a lizard that almost leaps out at you.
Me: (words. Fail.)
CC: isn’t it AWESOME?
Me: (FINALLY!) yes. I’ve always admired self-portraits.
He: aren’t you turned on?
Me: yes. Very. In fact I should go be alone. In the bathroom. (Stagger away)