I hate New Year’s.

Or New Year’s Conversations that should have never happened.

The Oversharer 

Me: hey.
Her: hiiii! How was New Year’s?
Me: oh, just fine. (carefully avoiding asking about hers)
Her: mine was awesome! So much booze! Tried so many new drinks – Long Island Iced Tea, a Cosmo, a Sex On The Beach and then….a Screaming Orgasm!
Me (awkwardly): oh ok. Which club did you find the Screaming Orgasm in this city? Bartenders always apologise and say please choose another drink.
Her (genuinely surprised): it’s a drink?
Me: (silence)

The Office Pothead

Pothead: whut?
Me: I didn’t say anything.
Pothead: hmm?
Me:…long night?
Pothead: whut?
Me: hah. So I can guess what you did on New Year’s.
Pothead (surfacing): oh dude, I’m totally going to rock New Year’s eve tomorrow! So cool!
Me: er. New Year’s was yesterday.
Pothead: whut?
Me: I said, New Year’s was yesterday.
Pothead: hmmm?
Me: never mind.
Pothead: whut?

The So-Drunk
NOT South East Asian. But referred to as such because every story, sometimes every sentence starts with “I was so drunk that…”

So-drunk: DUDE! Last night I was so drunk that when I woke up there was no water left in my body! It’d evaporated dude! You know, like alcohol! Hahaahahah
Me: er. Yes. Ha. Ha.
So-drunk: and DUDE! I was so drunk that my girlfriend thought I’d died! Hahahahaahah
Me: (agonised): Oh. That must have been…fun..
So-drunk: yeah but DUDE she was SO DRUNK TOOO! Haahahahahah!
Me(despondently): ha ha.

 

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