Fast and spurious

#chatswithpeople #chatswithflatmate #chatswithfriends #karwachauth #chatsaboutmarriage #34

​2015 May
Tring tring. 
Me: hello? 
To-be-flatmate: hey. We met just two hours ago? You came by the house and met me and my parents?
Me: yes, of course, hi.
TBF: so, um, my parents really liked you and they think I should let you know you can have the house if you want it. 
Me: oh wow thank you, that’s…wait do you like me? 

TBF: yeah sure why not I mean I don’t know you but I’m sure it will be fine and my parents think South Indians make for great flatmates because you know, you’re also vegetarian and you mentioned that you don’t drink much and stuff. 
Me: right. Um. Are you sure you like me? No one’s forcing you right? You can say no if you don’t want to so this. 
TBF: no no, it’s fine. My parents have my best interests at heart no, and they will know best. So yeah. 

2015 July
Me:…and we also have to figure groceries for the month. 
Flatmate: dude how much household shit is there? Is this what married couples do? Are we as good as married now?

Me: I want to be the wife. I always had to play boys in school plays. 
Flatmate: er. I really wish I hadn’t let my parents convince me to share a home with you. 
Me: that makes it an arranged marriage, no?
Flatmate: sigh. 

2016, October
Tring tring.
Me: hello patidev.
Flatmate: achcha karva chauth ka kuch scene hai ki nahin?
Me: hain?

Flatmate: are you fasting for my long life or not? 
Me: errrr-
Flatmate: I thought so. my first view of you this morning was you stuffing your face. I demand my husbandly rights.
Me: err. South India mein toh waise nahi…
Flatmate: kulta. Shaadi toh Punjabi se kiya hai. 

Me: what does kulta mean?
Flatmate: dur fitteh mooh. Don’t change topic. Are you refusing to starve and therefore killing me softly?

Me: arey but I know when you will die. 
Flatmate: I think I’ll start locking my door at night. 
Me: arey I’m not going to kill you. It’s taken this long to break you in. But no need for starving and all. 

Flatmate: achcha? Batao? You’ve used the #SavitriGambit?
Me: ptui.Chasing men and asking them for what we want never works.
Flatmate: true. 

Me: No, no. I have done retirement planning. A la Thelma and Louise, we will joyride to death in, say, 15-20 years. 
Flatmate:…
Me: I will even find you Brad Pitt lookalike beforehand. 

Flatmate: sob. My patni bestest.
Me: true. Ab gift ka time hai. Kya de rahe ho?
Flatmate: I’ll open the door for maid every morning for a week. 
Me: OMG. You really love me!

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